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The scourge of San Luis Obispo is at it again, folks!


"Cal Poly students are terrorizing local residents with their constant partying and vulgar language," according to Kye Martin, who wrote an email to New Times expressing his displeasure with his neighbors. "Packed with disrespectful young men, who constantly party at all hours of the day. We often flee our home to get away from it."

Well, Kye, I think SLO City Councilmember Jan Marx can one-up you in terms of overdramatizing the impact of students in local neighborhoods. She fled all the way to the other side of town, permanently!

But she's not done yet! For her next magical trick, the hippie who once held a campaign dinner at The Establishment amongst "Stabbies" is targeting music—the devil's drumbeat.

"I'm trying right now to get our noise ordinance upgraded so that it includes something about the bass. All we have right now has to do with the decibel level of the music," she said.

Umm, Jan, "it's all about that bass," duh! But really, bass?

What's next? Treble?

No, no. Marx said it's only that strong bass component that you can't block out.

"It's visceral," she said.

Wait. You can feel it inside of your body? I'll have what you're having!

Or maybe I should have what the college students are having. They apparently are having something so wonderful that streaking in the middle of the day sounds like a great idea!

"When you live next door to these [college] kids, with their techno music and beer pong games going, and every word out of their mouth, they're screaming at the top of their lungs is the F-word," Kye, who wishes he wasn't from the neighborhood, said.

That sounds like a good time, amirite?

I am right, but it also sounds like a nightmare if all you're doing is witnessing it. Might I suggest, Kye, if you can't beat them join 'em? Just kidding! That'd be weird, right? A man in his 50s partying with a bunch of numbnuts in their early 20s.

But they aren't just any numbnuts, they're "rich, white, entitled, spoiled brats that aren't working, driving Teslas and BMWs. Mommy and daddy have always taken care of it for them, and they just crap on the community." Is that why there are so many Teslas here? Well, whaddaya expect? Cal Poly is the whitest, most expensive school in the CSU system. Plus, everybody craps.

So how is the city of SLO taming the wild beasts that have spread like noxious weeds through once family-friendly neighborhoods?

By slapping them with fines: $350 for the first violation, $700 for the next, and $1,000 for the third. Wow! That's a lot, right? Not when "mommy and daddy have always taken care" of everything! And if you ask Kye's neighbor, Cal Poly student Kyle Anderson, his parents are indeed going to help him out with those pesky noise violation fines, which he insists are unfounded!

"We're very respectful. We get noise complaints on us all the time," Kyle told New Times.

Hey Kyle, did you hear what you said? Respect and all-the-time noise complaints don't really belong in the same utterance. He swears, though, the noise that Kye complained about wasn't coming from their house—"It was actually other college students."

Ohhhh, OK. So the bassline, beer cans, and vulgar language floating into Kye's neighborly ears for five days straight in early May was "other college students." Well, either way, Kyle, your house, which has nine students sleeping in it, is probably the culprit of a lot of noise complaints that you never got fined for.

Since 2020, the SLO Police Department has received 3,410 noise complaints.

But the SLOPD has only issued 537 citations, so, Kye, you can consider yourself lucky.

The noise complaints in question don't include "other noise calls related to barking dogs, leaf blowers, construction noise ...," according to SLOPD Neighborhood Outreach Manager Christine Wallace. Those are apparently in a different category than "loud TVs, voices, music, and parties." So will bass get its own category because it's "visceral"?

Asking for a friend.

Speaking of visceral: There's a lot of deep-seated anger in the Cuyama Valley over carrots. They are crunchy and loud, after all. But it's not the loud noises coming out of people's mouths that upsets people. It's water.

Carrots like at least an inch of water per week during the growing season and will get misshapen or develop a bitter taste if the soil gets too dry, according to San Diego State University's extension program. So it makes total sense to grow this thirsty little vegetable in one of the hottest, driest spots in the region.

The Cuyama Valley Groundwater Basin is one of the most overdrafted water basins in the state and the region is focused on pumping cutbacks! Whoop! Actually, the carrot growers aren't really that jazzed about the plan to water less.

In fact, Grimmway Farms—"the world's largest producer of carrots," according to the company's website—and Bolthouse Farms—which produces "carrots, smoothies, juices, and dressings to be reckoned with"—sued "all persons claiming a right to extract or store groundwater in the Cuyama Valley Groundwater Basin."

Must be nice to be able to afford a lawyer! Do we think they know anybody who drives a Tesla? Δ

The Shredder is all about that bass. Send techno beats to [email protected].



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