Morro Bay’s nice and all, but the real jewel of the Americas is Whitefish, Mont.! Or Vail, Colo.! Or … ? Oh God, anywhere but Morro Bay! At least that seems to be the implied sentiment of Morro Bay City Manager David Buckingham, who’s been applying for city manager jobs elsewhere … anywhere.

Back in December, Buckingham was among the five finalists for the position in Whitefish, a city of a little more than 6,000 alternately sweating or freezing citizens suffering through hot summers and subzero winters. Hey, at least Whitefish has a working sewer system, eh Dave?

Buckingham got even closer to the job in Vail, where he was in the top two … before they decided to reopen the process. Vail has similar-to-Whitefish weather extremes and a population of a little more than 5,000. It also has a working sewer system! Mmm. Working sewer.

Come on, dude! You have a $160K per year job to do right here. Why don’t you get Morro Bay squared away before bugging out? Build the sewer, dredge the bay, and mitigate the pickleball debacle! You’ve got work to do, buddy!

Speaking of someone who needs a job. Maybe I should look for another one. No one in this town appreciates me. Do I ever get voted Most Annoying Public Figure in this newspaper’s annual Best Of issue? No. You always give 3rd District Supervisor Adam Hill the award. I mean, I agree. But that’s so typical.

I spent all this time and care crafting rants that rail and rag on everyone in town, and do I even get a second place? Nope.

You gave that honor to 4th District Supervisor Lynn Compton and newly-elected 24th District U.S. Rep. Salud Carbajal (although if you ask the SLO Tribune, it’s sometimes Salad Carbajal). Again, I’m not disagreeing, but do you have to be so predictable?

Be unpredictable, like Lynn “I protest the Bob Jones Trail taking precedence, sometimes” Compton. In April, she was the solo vote against putting the trail on the Board of Supervisors’ agenda. And then on May 9, she joined her fellow supervisors in giving the trail a much-needed boost in funding.

And on the same day, she was the lone vote against giving The Wallace Group a county contract. She seems to be the only one at the county concerned with funneling money to a company whose founder is facing felony conflict-of-interest charges, which county District Attorney Dan Dow filed against John Wallace in January.

Wallace’s company allegedly benefitted from a nice influx of cash that grew by the year while he headed up the South SLO County Sanitation District. Compton seems to be the only one who thought this decision through. So annoying!

Where you at Adam? What about taking those gloves off like you threatened? Get in there and win that annoying public figure trophy.

Meanwhile in the Fighting-The-Man department, three college bros started a GoFundMe page called “12 Hath Fined by the City,” which as of last Tuesday had raised $885 toward their goal of raising $1,100 to pay a $1,400 noise violation fine they received from the city of San Luis Obispo. Hey, why not ask for $1,400? Maybe because math is hard.

“As some of you may know, Friday night (4/28), my roommates and I received a $1,400 citation for hosting two birthday celebrations,” Kyler Watkins wrote on their fundraising page. “When the police showed up, they confirmed that the social event wasn’t out of hand or too loud; however, they had to issue a citation due to our neighbor calling a noise complaint. Also, as most of you know, college students don’t have an extra $1,400 set aside ready to hand over to the city when there is noise heard at their property line at 10 p.m. Thank you!”

Ha-ha-ha! Party on, Wayne and Garth and Kyler! You go, guys! Stick it to The Man!

Using Social Media and online fundraising may be the way to take the city on for its absurdly large fines. Another group—See Spot Run! on Facebook—has formed to start lobbying to get SLO Town to offer more open spaces for off-leash dogs. Currently, the Laguna Lake Dog Park is the only place in town that allows dogs to be legally off leash. Untethered dogs will set owners back more than $500 for a first offense! Bad City! Bad!

These dog owners would love to go for a trail run with Fido, but right now that’s risking a fat fine. Hey Councilwoman Carlyn Christianson, how about some off-leash night hikes … with beer?

By way of clarification, the newsroom positions I mentioned that The Tribune cut last week were not all specifically reporter jobs, only “1.1” was. The others were web production, copyediting (which the Trib now outsources to Sacramento), and assistant-clerical.

“I’m guessing most readers assume all ‘newsroom’ employees are reporters, but I’m sure you know from your own experience at New Times that’s not the case,” wrote Tribune General Manager and Vice President of Human Resources Devon P. Goetz.

Wait a minute! You guys have a person who just works on web stuff? And the news staff has a clerk who, like, files stuff and assists the reporters? Really? Wow! Oh, I mean, um, yeah. We have that too, of course. Totally.

The Shredder can’t believe it doesn’t have a personal assistant. Send ideas and comments to [email protected].