Opinion » Shredder

Red bullshit


Turns out some people are saying they put cocaine in Red Bull at least in China but I totally doubt that because it’s such an awesome awesome awesome awesome drink that I really really really like and can drink one after another after another after another just like I did tonight without being affected by it in any way but a completely positive way so I don’t think there’s cocaine in it because cocaine is illegal and nothing this great could be illegal and oh my God I hope you just saw that thing flying past us because it had little angel wings and a unicorn head and it was sooo awesome awesome and do you want to go play Frisbee golf now or should we wait until the sun comes up!?


Four hours south. That’s the solution for all those people who want their medical pot. A Los Angeles Times story reports how a loophole has allowed at least 600 pot shops to open in the city.

Four years ago, when the city council started talking about how to control medical marijuana shops, there were only four to worry about. By 2007, when the city imposed a “moratorium” on new shops, it grandfathered in fewer than 200. But now, because the city hasn’t been enforcing the moratorium at all, hundreds more have opened up.

I take this to mean that every Starbucks in L.A. has a pot shop inside, and some of the pot shops inside of the Starbucks have their own pot shops inside, with their own Starbucks, with their own pot shops, with their own Starbucks, with their own …  It’s like holding up a mirror next to a mirror, man. You can go all day long, especially if you have Red Bull.

Phoebe’s side

Here’s my advice: if you start to slip mentally, don’t let anybody know about it, because the conservatorship process is a hard and unjust road. Phoebe Hearst Cooke’s court-appointed attorney apparently didn’t do a damn thing to represent Cooke. Reading into Patrick Howe’s story, it sounds like Cooke’s attorney just sat there nodding happily as the process worked its way toward putting Cooke’s twin brother and nephew in charge of Cooke’s life.

What is the point of having someone “represent” you if all they do is agree with the other side? Cooke flat out didn’t want her brother in charge of her. They haven’t gotten along for years, well before whatever precipitated this. Maybe she needed help, but how do you help someone suffering from paranoia by imposing their worst fear upon them? Couldn’t it have been someone else?

There are law firms that specialize in conservatorships. Possibly there could have been other family members who would have stepped in. But to have her attorney offer no witnesses, no arguments, and essentially pave the way for precisely the outcome her “client” most feared doesn’t seem like justice. Sure, she needs help, but she also needed somebody to treat her like a real person whose fears and wants are real, whatever her problems.

Blame the dwarves

Somebody attacked the Elfin Forest in Los Osos, ripping out trees and brush before they were chased off. The authorities are totally confused, wondering who would attack the Elfin Forest. What could somebody possibly have against this foggy little outpost of miniature oaks and boardwalks?

Hello?! Do I have to do everybody’s job around here? Isn’t it obvious that when somebody attacks the elves, you have to look first at their natural enemies?

I’d be on the lookout for gnomes, dwarves, or the dark elves, the ones that live underground and are the avowed enemies of the ethereal forest elves.

Dwarves might be the place to start. They always have axes handy and they’re probably pretty annoyed that they don’t have their own forest even when they’ve been able to place their kind in top positions around here, such as the Sheriff’s Department.

But if it’s dark elves, the cops may have to go undercover and adopt names such as Malekith and Tiranoc and hang around in the land of Naggaroth, trying to fit in by discussing the many faults of the High Elves of Elthuan.

Strong support

I get a lot of letters. I hardly ever answer any of them, but you might find some pleasure in these. 

Here’s a sampling:

“I love you. Also, I am nursing a hope that you are really Colin Rigley’s sockpuppet.” No such luck, but “X” was actually writing to compliment Rigley’s let’s-not-offend-the-Scientologists story on L. Ron Hubbard’s death, so let’s just assume that anyone who loves me as well as that story might need the sort of help Scientologists despise.

Another one: “New times SLO, I think you should have your office and or computers checked for monitoring devices, Including phones and cells as well!”  I won’t say who sent this one, but I do hope they’ll elaborate if they know something.

Another, this one a backhanded compliment from an unlikely reader: Paso Robles City Councilman Fred Strong enjoyed my criticism of CalCoastNews’ coverage of the David Edge firing. (That’s the article a certain talk show host thought I should apologize for. I agree: I’m sorry they got that story mostly wrong.)

“Good job on the analysis. I gained a greater respect for you as a news person. I wish you’d apply those same standards [the ones I said they and the Tribune should follow] a bit more stringently to your own opinion column, however.”

I’m going to ignore the obvious fact that the starting point from “greater respect” could well be zero, and just bask in the love of a North County conservative for a moment. As for your wish: Fat chance, but maybe we could get together and share a Red Bull.

Shredder can be reached at [email protected].

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