Psst. I want to tell you a little secret. Come closer. Closer. OK, too close! Back the eff up. There. That’s better. Did you know that no one likes abortion? True story! Even those who support women’s right to choose would like to see abortion become as rare as possible, which is why pro-choicers are for comprehensive sex education, free health care screenings and family planning counseling, and easily accessible and free birth control. That, my friends, is the way to cut down on unwanted pregnancies and the unfortunate need for abortion services.

Some people think the way to cut down on abortion is to aggressively confront people with cute photos of aborted fetuses. Last week, Morro Bay High School students and their parents were treated to a display outside the school courtesy of the Abolitionist Society of San Luis Obispo, an anti-choice group that also opposes in-vitro fertilization, embryonic stem cell research, certain forms of birth control, and puppies. 

OK, they’re not against puppies. But abolishing alcohol in the 1920s worked really well, so it would totally make sense to outlaw abortions. Same goes for marijuana. Nobody’s doing anything underground or dangerous because it’s illegal, right?

Let me be clear. The First Amendment protects this group, their director Danny Ehinger, and all Americans’ right to free speech. They have every right to take their super classy posters festooned with fetus parts and throw them in the faces of 14-, 15-, 16-, and 17-year-old children on their way to school. The question is, should they? 

If Ehinger and his group want to end abortion, there are better ways and better venues. I mean, if offensive is what they’re going for, it would definitely be more effective to hand out condoms and birth control pamphlets to all those parents and teenagers. Hey kids, holding hands could lead to sex. Wrap it before you tap it! Here’s one that’s ribbed for her pleasure! 

But, I get it. The best way to prevent teenagers with rampant hormones from having sex with unintended consequences is to show them pictures of bloodied fetuses. That’s what they’re going to think about the next time that awkward sexy time comes around. Not!

Danny and friends have played that tune for audiences before. Last summer, under false pretenses, they entered a float—the Statue of Liberty atop baby doll parts, photos of fetuses, and a sign reading “This is your Holocaust. End the Global Abortion Holocaust”—in the Templeton Fourth of July Parade. 

Parade attendees were of course aghast. Many families with young children tried to shield their kids from the gruesome float. I guess Danny thought it was time for that sex talk and the history lesson about how millions of Jews were exterminated during World War II. Kids grow up so fast!

If you want to scare people, Danny, dress as a clown. I hear it’s a big thing right now! That’s also free speech, and no one will have to look at a fetus unless they honk your nose. Hey, was that you in Grover Beach on Oct. 19? 

I know you think you’re right, but what you’re doing stinks.

And speaking of things that stink (like this awkward and clunky segue), being green sure is a pain in the keister, amirite? Just ask those who are complaining that using the new green and white composting bins to collect kitchen food scraps and then throwing it all in their green waste container along with their grass clippings, leaves, and that stupid philodendron that just won’t live is attracting fruit flies, not to mention it smells! It’s so much work. Geez. I hate change. Can you imagine the outrage? A smelly green waste can in the happiest city in America!

The idea behind the program was simply to redirect food scraps from either your garbage disposal, which taxes the wastewater treatment facilities, or from the landfill. Instead the food scraps and green waste will eventually be taken to a composting facility—cross your fingers—that will turn the material into energy! But, you know, I get it. It’s too much trouble. It smells. Little flies are flying around your trashcan. The planet can suck it! This is America! You don’t have to recycle your food scraps! 

Screw being green! 

That’s what the SLO County Sheriff’s Office said when it scared the Pozo Saloon out of hosting The Harvest cannabis and culture festival on Oct. 16. E-40, DJ Quick, Tribal Seeds, and SLO White didn’t make appearances over the weekend at the music grounds and neither did the medical marijuana lounge nor the weed shop that was advertised on the radio.

WTF? 

According to Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Tony Cipolla, they didn’t get the right permit. You think SLO County issues Marijuana Herb Control licenses? The department also threatened to pull Pozo’s Alcoholic Beverage Control license if weed-type things happened on the property. Yeah, I guess most music venues never stink like marijuana. 

And according to the event sponsors, House of Holistics, it’s never had a problem with the Higher Grounds Music Festival—which is also hosted at the Pozo Saloon. 

The event’s name implies that a certain something could potentially happen, but nobody outright advertised it on the radio, either. You see, although it’s implicit, it’s not explicit. Shhh! You’ve got to keep those things a secret. 

The Shredder loves to tell secrets … a lot. Send ideas and comments to [email protected].