Blow your noisemakers and douse your flags, the election results are in. Actually, donâ€™t blow your noisemakers. I still have a raging hangover from Election Day, what with all the parties I went to, and I still havenâ€™t even sobered up from Halloween. In fact, if I remember correctly, I was still wearing my Superman costume on Tuesday, which would explain the unusual number of strange looks I got as I hopped from political bash to political bash, watching local voters give the go-ahead to the same-old-same-old faces that we all love to hate to love. I hate that, and I have a few things to say to you all, so be quiet. And would someone bring me some coffee?
To my old friend Christine Mulholland, congratulations on landing another term on the council. Youâ€™re like a super-left riddle wrapped in a no-growth mystery inside a staunch environmentalist enigma. By the way, I really hope youâ€™re not too upset that Paul Brown got more votes than you, because I know you really just wanted to come out on top.
Speaking of which, Paul, welcome to the top. Youâ€™ll find the view isnâ€™t all itâ€™s cracked up to be, and the altitude sickness can make you a little crazy sometimes. Just look at Christine. By the way, if I donâ€™t already have some political dirt on you, Iâ€™ll dig some up soon, if I could just find my shovel. I think I left it at Jerry Lenthallâ€™s place, because I was using it to scoop some of his serious campaign claims to fertilize my garden since my tomatoes havenâ€™t been looking too healthy lately. Lenthall, in case you hadnâ€™t heard, said something he shouldnâ€™t have in his fight for the 3rd District county supervisor seat. To be blunt, he moved a little too fast when he bragged about jumping in bed with the SLO Chamber of Commerce, which called New Times, scandalized, to say it has never had relations with any candidate and certainly wouldnâ€™t endorse one, especially since none have ever even bothered to send flowers.
Anyway, Paul, please fax copies of all your tax records, pay stubs, voting history, and the phone numbers of five close friends or family members who can verify the facts and/or tell me juicy stories about your past. I know Iâ€™ve written about you before, but since Iâ€™m stuck with you, Iâ€™m starting a file for real.
Stew Jenkins, now that Sam Blakeslee is the official 33rd Assembly District winner, you wonâ€™t have to come up with excuses for not attending candidate forums any more. I hear Tom Hutchings and Gary Kirkland are going to keep holding debates, just for old timesâ€™ sake, and theyâ€™re all going to drive together.
Lois Capps, you all but ignored San Luis Obispo in your ho-hum race against the always-cheerful Don Regan and Libertarian Michael Favorite, so Iâ€™m going to ignore you, except to say thanks again for blowing off your term-limit promise by signing up for another two years. Youâ€™ve always been good for a few columns throughout your run, especially when you send press releases that say things like â€œDear Mr. President: I are writing in support of Governor Schwarzeneggerâ€™s request â€¦ â€? Iâ€™m sure the UCSB students are happy to see you as untoppled as Saddam Hussein statues were back when you first started serving in politics and said you wouldnâ€™t make a career of it. Actually, maybe I am too, but I would never admit it. Okay, I are ignoring you now.
Since the beginning of election season, Iâ€™ve kept a wet squeegee by my TV so I could wipe off all the mud, most of which came from the race for the 15th Senate District Seat, fought by Peg â€œOops!â€? Pinard, Brook â€œWho?â€? Madsen, and Abel â€œSchwarzeneggerâ€? Maldonado. The two major-party contenders spent millions of dollars to call each other names, and, just when you thought Maldonado couldnâ€™t look any younger, Peg sent out a comic book mailer featuring him as a button-cute little guy in an aviatorâ€™s cap. Peg, Iâ€™m sorry to say I couldâ€™ve saved you your $3-million banjo lesson with a little piece of advice: Donâ€™t fight a guy who gets more kisses from Arnold than Maria Shriver.
Matt Mackey, as a Poly student candidate, you shook up the area and election more than our most recent Parkfield quake, and my bookie said you had a good chance at getting more votes than David Booker in the SLO mayor race, but it just didnâ€™t happen. Looks like weâ€™re back with Dave Romero for another two years, and Iâ€™m out 200 big ones. Thanks a lot, and you all deserve each other. Iâ€™m going back to bed. Â³