Opinion » Street Talk

The sky is falling


It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Well, as fine as anyone can feel with the ground shaking every 60 seconds. It's hard to write with all thejgjkgokjfg;fgarfgfjafnanlkfj;g;n;;hagoh. Sorry. That one felt to me like, oh I'd say about a 7.0, though when I factor out my own shaking brought on by years of social drinking, social smoking, and social acid dropping, the Richter count probably lowers down to about 5.3.

If you read anything besides the New Times, and I don't blame you if you do, especially in these end times, you know that our recent earthquake swarms are not limited to our stretch of California's Central Coast. Mt. St. Helens way up in Washington has had its share of shaking, too, and they have the added threat of a volcano blowing up in their faces, suckers.

Hurricane after tropical storm after hurricane after tropical storm rolled over Florida in the past month, and a large asteroid called Toutatis cruised just close enough to our moon to make more than a few astronomers squirm in their seats, let's all just ignore the "Warning: Approaching objects are closer than they appear" labels on their telescopes, thank you very much.

Add a solar and lunar eclipse scheduled for October, whatever fighting is still going on in the Middle East and elsewhere you don't care about, and weird flashes of light seen in the early fog over San Luis Obispo in recent mornings, and we've got ourselves an apocalypse, goodbye, nice knowing you, don't forget to tip your waitress on your way outewlfkjawkl;elaghsfh;jksdfihjhgf;oi That felt like a 4.8, adjusted of course.

I just hope the end of the world gets here before we all have to vote for the lesser of a handful of evils on Election Day. I don't know which has been more frightening, feeling the earth move beneath my feet or watching local candidates try to be simultaneously earthy and humble and concerned and caring and tough on crime in all the right places at all the right times, lower eyebrows to look concerned, raise one eyebrow to convey healthy skepticism, raise both eyebrows to look attentive and surprised and alive.

The best commercials are for the 15th District State Senate seat, which has four contenders if you count "Write-in Votes" as a person, which I do for the sake of being difficult.

Since I was listening for approaching hoofbeats of any or all of the Four Horsemen last night, I had the volume on my TV turned all the way down. I was surprised to see Democrat Peg Pinard sitting in the sand, playing what looked like a banjo for what appeared to be children that had gathered to hear what I imagine were bluegrass standards, sort of like the Pier Piper of Pismo come to lead all the rats and kids out of our county, thank goodness, could you get take some of the other candidates along with you, too?

A few minutes later, Republican Abel Maldonado boldly strode onto the screen, grinning wider than may be humanly possible without surgery or an endorsement from Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I recommend that Abel's handlers keep him out of high school hallways for fear of voters mistaking him for a student who somehow managed to cram some political experience into his 14-year-old-boy frame, gosh gee, I think it'd be swell to be a senator! Just wait till I hit puberty!

Someone named Brook Madsen is also running for the seat, and the Greens do have some very important messages that a third party can bring to the table this election seasonsd gsgnkoshndfshlbijfebdliabm,. vfkek fvika;bfjv igv a;kljn;jlefbnv; oadk;jn sv I think that one was all me. Lousy flashbacks. Now what was I talking about?

Tom Hutchings, the Green candidate hoping fill the sucking void Maldonado will leave when he stands up from the 33rd Assembly District seat, contributed to the portents of Armageddon when he carpooled with Republican Sam Blakeslee after a candidate luncheon at the Santa Maria Elks Lodge earlier in September.

Maybe these local earthquakes are nothing more than dearly departed Alex Madonna rolling over in his grave at the sight of a Republican sharing a ride with a nature-loving, granola-eating, anti-development, pro-red-legged-frog hippie, God rest his pink soul.

To top it all off, Democrat Stew Jenkins has been avoiding all contact with anything green. Stew refused to take part in that Republican-heavy Santa Maria luncheon, as well as an upcoming forum in Lompoc.

Someone named Gary Kirkland is also running for the seat, and the Libertarians do have some very important messages that a third party can bring to the table this election seasonjlsdjllj sfdnola jadblji asdljibads lkjbnsdv lkjsadbnv nbjavdsji lal dalbjvsdjl sdbijl aasdf;vpoasd apsojdnn skjldv ;sd;jhasd njkd sanvjlsdnvl sjadkvn ;asnvsa;dn ;sadnv;an sn bd ibvhjibd sdnolfopqpowj adpahwjb

I did that one on purpose, just to fill up space. I don't want to spend my last remaining hours on earth writing this lousy column for you, no offense, kiss my as;jhin;kwln/lk dfngvk snlkv dlnjv sdjknv snmv .,msndm, .vnc vjnsd kn sdv ljkand vnmd vn ;lnszdkv a dndcv l.sknnc nsl; nlsdl;ajkdnv nadwv sm vslkdvn awdn ldknv ,svalndv s, dmv dnv ,sd v lsmdnv lkdnv lnsv kms ldvnksl n

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