Then, just to liven things up in this boring burg, New Times also decides it'd be just lovely to have a convicted child molester from Atascadero State Hospital tell you all about his sick-o ways.

This, of course, is in addition to the weekly ads for "dancers" (page 66 - but you already know that), which you'll always find right next to the personal ads (page 68), where people probably meet and do lots of other disgusting stuff, if you know what I mean, nudge-nudge-wink-wink. I don't know what this world is coming to, I can't believe I just said that.

And now here I am on this page (page 19) telling you all about all these things, including the page numbers so you'll have easy access to the depraved perversions brought to you this week by New Times, the newspaper of filth and perversion that seems incapable of keeping its pages in its pants while it wallows in the slimy gutter and corrupts our fair county's youth, who don't seem to need much more corruption considering what they did in our cover story this week.

Which reminds me.

Whatever happened to the Gambord Castration Fund?

Remember that? A couple months ago, the depraved editors here at New Times decided to open a fund so readers could contribute money that'd be used to cut some guy's balls off. I'm not kidding. They really did.

In case you missed it, the guy is Jeffery Gambord, a convicted rapist at Atascadero State Hospital who's been begging and pleading and whining that if only his testicles were amputated he'd no longer have the urge to lunge in the darkness or bring lollipops to the schoolyard and ponder perversions the most putrid, among other assorted unmentionables that this anti-family-values paper has no compunction about mentioning, let alone putting on this week's cover.

The operation costs $5,000, but poor Jeffrey had no money, seeing as how he's locked up and ASH won't give him a day pass so he can work at a 7-11 store to earn enough to pay for it himself.

Don't ask me why it costs that much. I took my stupid dog to the vet where it was only $28 when you factor in the rebate. And, no, the only thing Rex has ever molested is my leg. I had him done for purely practical reasons. His love life was lots better than mine. He was a real babe magnet, the dirty dog.

Anyway, after New Times published Jeffrey's pitiful plea, it got letters and phone calls from people saying they'd just love to help him pay for a testicle transfer.

So the editors here, in their inimitable perverted way, and seeing yet another lascivious opportunity to promote lurid behavior so they could sell more newspapers, forgot for a moment that New Times is free, but in the midst of their reverie nevertheless asked readers to put their money where their mouths are, if you'll pardon the expression, and help Jeffrey finally attain his dream. Hey, everyone - just send us your dimes and nickels and we'll make sure Jeffrey's nuts are negated.

It didn't work. After all the money didn't pour in, the powers that be here at New Times walked over to McCarthy's to drink and complain about what hypocrites their readers are for not being sufferingly indecent to write a goddamn check. Goddamn it, what's wrong with these people, the skinflints. Gimme another gin fizz and make it snappy.

Now it can be told. They only raised $1,030. I know. They told me, the fools.

Now they have to give it all back. I know. They said so,
the fools.

This didn't surprise me. Being a machine of virtue and chaste thoughts, not to mention pure in mind and deed and other things you don't believe, I realized long ago what hypocrites you all are. Not to mention cheap.

But then a strange thing happened in the weeks after the stupid fund was announced that even I didn't anticipate.

Readers started arguing about whether separating Jeffrey from his testicles would do any good anyway. Our letters pages were filled with people yapping back and forth: Rape isn't just testosterone driven! It's about violence toward women! You're crazy, it is so! No it's not! Yes it is! And so on.

I don't know the answer to that.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But the point is moot regarding Jeffery. I hear he got transferred a couple weeks ago to another state hospital. Who knows, maybe some newspaper there can collect more cash. All I know is there are more dirty minds per capita in this county to keep a dozen Diamond Adult Worlds in business.

And that includes you.

You're worse than anyone.

How do I know?

Simple. You read this all the way to the end, you pervert.