If you’re reading this, you’ve survived our nation’s most patriotic holiday. There is, after all, no other holiday that combines explosives, booze, and passionate rally cries for ’Merica! quite like the 4th of July.
Whether you’re reading this from a burn-ward on July 8 or from whatever Rite Aid you crawled into on July 5 in the hopes of procuring aspirin and Tums, chances are you need a cure for your patriotism.
Puke no more! This New Times writer will cure you in the most god-fearing, red, white and blue way possible. After all, the contents of your stomach may run, but these colors don’t.
It has been said that when our former vice president, Dick Cheney shot a hunting buddy after mistaking him for a quail, he did so with some good-old-fashion hooch sauce in his system.
We say, if it’s good enough for the vice president then damn it, it’s good enough for you. So drink up, but be sure to have a line of defense ready in the morning (and a designated driver).
First things first: There are going to be a few organs yelling at you from different perches in your body come morning light.
Milk thistle is believed to be a great liver-protective and has regenerative properties, so pick yourself up a bottle or two and get to repairing that slab of meat between your ribs.
You can pick up a stash at New Frontiers.
If you’re saying to yourself, “That’s all good and fine, but what the hell am I going to do about the colony of hammer-toting gnomes that has taken up residence in my skull?” Slow your roll, we’re getting there.
Dehydration is a main source of after-boozing headaches. Water is great, but sometimes you need something with a kick.
Sidecar in SLO offers a slew of readymade Bloody Marys that will put a little hair back on your chest (ladies, you too).
But if you’re not ready to face light or noise, make yourself up one at home.
Vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, and Worcestershire sauces will give you a good base. If you want to get patriotic, add a white sugar rim and throw some blueberries on top for some colorful fun. If you’ve run out of hometown spirit, you can add celery, a brown sugar rim, or a Pepto-Bismol chaser.
Make an effort to leave the house before noon to soak up some Vitamin D rays (this will help regenerate those cells you murdered the night before) and maybe stop in for breakfast somewhere.
If you watched the fireworks in Pismo Beach, make your way to the Village Café for a two-egg breakfast for less than $7.
Whatever you choose, know there are a million ways to help kick that hangover to the curb. So this holiday weekend salute an eagle, drink some Miller Lite, and bust out your flag bikini. ∆
Calendar Editor Maeva Considine compiled this week’s Bites column and it was patriotic as hell. We want a bite! Send your cuisine related news to firstname.lastname@example.org.