Have you noticed Cal Poly is off for the summer? Woo hoo! It's like the entire town has breathed a sigh of relief. Yeah, people are still driving the wrong way on Marsh, Higuera, and Pismo Streets, but they're tourists, not students. And have you noticed how many parking spaces are available on your street now? And no line at the froyo shops!
Well, Bluto, D-Day, Otter, and Boon may be gone for the summer, but their legacy of debauchery continues on, at least at Alpha Gamma Rho (AGR), Cal Poly's Ag fraternity, which I have a sneaking suspicion may soon go the way of Delta Sigma Phi, Pi Kappa Alpha, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, and Delta Tau—all of which have found themselves "disassociated" from Poly due to everything from alcohol-induced hazing deaths to drug sales to sexual assault.
AGR has a long rap sheet of dipshittery. In December of 2014, they were under investigation for alleged sexual assault. They were then put on social probation following violations of the university's alcohol and party registration policies. Although they were forbidden from holding social gatherings, they did anyway on Sept. 17, 2015, and that led to a fight between two men trying to crash the party and fraternity members. The two men were ejected and went on to stab two people near Mustang Village. An investigation revealed that AGR was hosting a party in violation of the probation, which was then extended through this spring. Hey, you guys are finally free! Wheee!
Um, except, then you knuckleheads posted a culturally insensitive photo on social media of your various members in costumes in front of your house, gathered around a Trump: Make American Great Again banner. Some of your bros were armed with rifles, one wore a sombrero, another a Rasta dreadlock wig, and then there was the dandy in a sweet powder blue pimp suit and the lothario in the open leopard-print bathrobe and black silk boxers! Classy! Are you trying to look like idiots? Because it's working!
"The tradition of our end-of-year photo will not appropriate cultures in the future," AGR said in a statement. "We respect the diversity that exists in our chapter and at Cal Poly and will be more thoughtful in all that we do moving forward and how that can impact others."
Oh yeah, well, how about the lawsuit you currently have breathing down your red necks? A woman named Morgan Brahms, who was visiting your house, claims she was trying to leave when one of your members tried to stop her and chased her through a floor-to-ceiling glass window, which she mistook for a door, resulting in severe injuries. Yeah, no comment on that one, eh?
Hey, college hijinks are fun! Night putting with the dean's daughter? Hilarious! Food fight? Awesomesauce! Toga party? OK, but let's not get punchy, rapey, or chasey. Even if Cal Poly won't do it, consider yourselves under my Double Secret Probation. I'm watching your dumbasses!
Meanwhile up in Atascadero, a city with perhaps the worst city planning in the history of cities, the public is taking up arms against the gazillion-years-in-the-making Eagle Ranch development, which is on hold again following the release of its environmental impact report [EIR].
Brothers Greg and Jeff Smith, whose family has owned the nearly 3,500-acre ranch since 1964, have been trying to capitalize on the property since the late 1990s, but now they're putting it on hold since there's been so much public outcry, not to mention demands for more info in their EIR, which they say will be too expensive.
Hmm. Remember when Walmart decided to reevaluate? If you didn't want Walmart, that worked out great! If you did, not so much! A lot of A-Town's neighborhoods look like they were designed by a drowsy 4-year-old using spaghetti strands on Play-Doh mountains, so you'd think the Smith's carefully curated development would be welcome.
The city is basically a 7-mile-long strip mall bifurcated by Highway 101, but I guess better late then never, A-Town.
Speaking of hindsight, the City of San Luis Obispo's water spigot on Prado Road has become a point of contention. It used to be easy-peasy for construction trucks or farmers to pull in and tank up on free water for dust mitigation, irrigation, or whatever, but when the drought hit, the city decided it needed more control over the purple spigot, which draws from non-potable groundwater.
Those inside city limits could apply for a $50 annual permit to take as much water as they needed, and those outside the city limits were asked to pay $350. The problem is the system has purportedly been abused. Frank Brown, who doesn't want to "start a riot," claims other municipalities are telling commercial tankers to take SLO's water instead of theirs. At least one user was caught with an unregistered duplicate key to the well.
Now that the city has declared the drought over (It isn't for everybody!), they were considering ending the permit program altogether, but thankfully, they reconsidered when they heard from residents who depend on it.
Those on rural O'Connor Way rely on access to the water because their wells are dry, so kudos to the city for extending their program to such residents. One question: If the drought's over, why raise the price of the permits for these desperate residents? Asking for a friend. Δ
The Shredder's frat name was Cthulhu: Destroyer of Hypocrites. Send ideas and comments to email@example.com.