You know what makes cupcakes salty? The tears of a single person on Valentine’s Day. Not that I would know what that’s like; my cat has always treated me right on the most romantic day of the year (think shoe hairballs and biting my uncovered toes at midnight).

But lest you think this article is going the way of Tom Waits on vinyl and watching The Breakfast Club at 3 a.m. surrounded by empty mini-Snickers wrappers, let me set you straight: Coupled people deserve a day (I’m saying this reluctantly) to celebrate the love and adoration they have cultivated, no doubt, through months or years of arguing over which way to face the toilet paper roll (up … duh) and who has the worst mother.

So I’ll set aside my opinion that Valentine’s Day is nothing but a hostile, consumerism-fueled, propagandist holiday used by the makers of Hallmark and The Notebook to get the American public to procreate, and I will tell you about all the goings-on for local Valentine’s Day specials so you won’t look like a total jackal when your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner asks what you’re doing for the big day.

Luna Red in San Luis Obispo has a Valentine’s Day, four-course prix fixe at $50 per person (tax, gratuity, and booze not included). They have broken down the courses into four, very sexy categories: flirt, seduction, kiss, and passion. For reservations or info, call Luna Red at 540-5243.

Sidecar in San Luis Obispo will also be having a prix fixe dinner on Feb. 14 (reservations needed) and at sister business, Kreuzberg, there will be love songs with Reese Galido and Friends. The place will be candlelit, romantic, and all that jazz. For more info, call 540-5340.

If you’ve eaten up all the Valentine’s food you can eat, head over to Linnaea’s Café where the SLO Fed Jazz Cal Poly Combo will be playing jazzy tunes from 7 to 9 p.m. Your partner in love (or lust, or desperation, or financial obligation) will appreciate the music and the fact that you appear cultured in some way.

Once you’ve let the food settle, there will undoubtedly be more room for … food. Head over to Batch for their Affrogatto, which is a steal at $3.25 and will provide you with enough sugar and espresso to do what every couple looks forward to doing after a romantic and successful Valentine’s Day: watching Australians reenact the Triassic period with puppet dinosaurs.

That’s right, you can take your full stomach over to the Cal Poly Performing Arts Center on Feb. 14 at 7 p.m. to watch the performers of ERTH bring dinosaurs back to life.

Watching a T-Rex nibbling on the innards of some poor, unsuspecting creature? Now that’s what I call a Valentine’s Day! ∆

Calendar Editor Maeva Considine isn’t single, but her cat is. Feel free to send romantic proposals to him, and any food-related news to [email protected].