Opinion » Shredder

Closed and confused



Golf courses are open but boat launches are closed.

Recreation with a club on the one hand and recreation with a rod on the other. Only one is in a clearly defined location that you cruise around in via a golf cart that you borrowed, while the other takes place in the Pacific Ocean in a boat that belongs to you. Plus, it's super easy to stay more than 6 feet away from other boaters. If you're going to go the social distance, getting out on the open water is exactly the way to do it, amirite?

Also, you could bring home some necessities, like deliciously lean fish protein, if you get out on a boat. Whereas with golf, all you bring home is a sunburn.

Port San Luis Boat SportLaunch, run by Missy Lintner and her husband, was forced to close. And Lintner doesn't understand why some recreational activities are allowed to continue while others aren't. And I'm with her!

"People rely on this," she told New Times. "This is recreation, but you also get to bring home enough to make tacos for the next two weeks."

Tacos? Yum. I'm with her!

What about farmers' markets? Those are open. Produce is a necessity, according to the government. And it absolutely should be. Healthy, fresh, not in an enclosed space that's been traversed by all kinds of people with shelves of items that have been picked up and put back by countless hands (gross!). What more could you ask for?

So what about fish? The boat launches closed just as people started salivating over the opening of salmon and rockfish season, so I guess the government doesn't consider recreational fishing a necessary activity.

Morro Bay Harbor Director Eric Endersby said Morro Bay's boat ramp was closed due to public safety. Really, though, it's because out-of-towners were about to descend en mass on the tourist-strapped city to get their boats in the water. And traveling is a bad idea, City Manager Scott Collins said.

People just can't take the hint or play by the rules, so everything gets shut down because of it. State parks up and down the coast were forced to close due to overcrowding issues. SLO County closed beach parking lots—and still people are flocking to areas because they don't know how else to fill their time.

All of you people who don't normally get outside for fun: What is it exactly that you did for fun? Do you remember? Well, hopefully you can figure out how to do that from the safety of your couch because pretty soon nobody is going to be able to do anything! And the only person to blame is you, baby.

Also, why are gun shops, cannabis shops, and liquor stores open? I'm looking at you Natural Healing Center, which set up a tent outside its Grover Beach facility—like they're ready to test coronavirus patients, but really it's so stoners don't have to get out of their cars to pick up their THC to go. On the plus side, you can also get cocktails to go from places like Sidecar—so it ain't all bad.

Get liquor, THC, and ammunition delivered directly to your vehicle, and head on over to a very crowded open space near you. Drink up, smoke out, shoot 'em up—all while "social distancing," of course. Now, that's what I call recreation! What could go wrong?

Meanwhile, would-be TP flushers could soon become toilet cloggers with the run we've had on our toilet paper supply.

Only have paper towels or wet wipes? Yeah. You're not suppose to put those in the toilet. They can stop up sewer systems and back up sewage into your shower drain. Yucko, bucko.

California West Real Estate Management President Derek Banducci basically called flushing wet wipes a rookie move! Something that college students who are living on their own for the first time would do because they don't realize the thousands of dollars' worth of damage it can cause.

"Flushing wipes down toilets is a bad idea," Balducci said.

So don't be a newb, people. Wipe your ass and put it in the trash!

Speaking of thousands of dollars' worth of damage, 11 voters in Oceano could have saved Oceano 911 committee members $808 a day in recount expenses. Eleven votes!

That's how many more votes Measure A-20, which would have kept the unincorporated area part of the Five Cities Fire Authority by charging landowners an extra $15 a month on their taxes, needed to pass.

Even though none of SLO County's past recounts have successfully changed the initial count, those dedicated to the cause are insisting on it. SLO County Clerk-Recorder Tommy Gong, being the sweet guy that he is, is letting the committee have a daily get-out-of-jail-free card. At the end of each day of the recount, the committee can decide whether they want to continue spending $808 a day.

I have a feeling they're going to go. All. The. Way!

If you're bored, you can't watch the recount, though. Because of social distancing. I guess you're stuck watching Tiger King—the only thing that seems to be able to bring a divided nation together in times of trial and tribulation. God help us. Δ

The Shredder refuses to watch Tiger King. Send things to do to shredder@newtimesslo.com.


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