• PHOTO BY CHRIS WHITE-SANBORN

Dear Reader,

If you picked up this week’s 400-word column expecting a witty romp full of wordplay and entertainment, I am sorry to say that you have come to the wrong place. The column you hold in your hands is an exercise in severe misery that only the lowest dregs of Hallowe’en fare could offer. Were this actually Hallowe’en, it would be quite apparent it was all a good-natured joke paying homage to one of the usual columnist’s favorite childhood writers, but as we all know, six of the seven days this issue will be on the stands will not be Hallowe’en, so clearly this is all meant to be taken completely seriously. If you are clever, you may have noticed that the Cougars & Mustangs logo has been replaced with a copy of its likeness in jack-o-lantern form, a revolting act of autumnal desecration for which Chris White-Sanborn is responsible. Were he here, I’m sure he would have me remind you not to play with knives, lest you produce some manner of art with them.

So where is the dreadful boy anyway? He’s beginning the National Novel Writing Month challenge he promoted several times over the last few weeks—“promoted” is a word which here means “blathered on and on about due to ulterior motives such as money or wanting to feel more important”—but I regret to inform you that he will be back soon enough. Until then, with autumn in full force, here is a list of wonderful seasonal things you could be doing instead of reading the rest of this column:

Drinking Gopher Glen apple cider. Getting sick on discounted candy. Getting sick on Gopher Glen apple cider. Getting well on either of those things. Reading local writings (presumably) untainted by Chris White-Sanborn, such as Thirteen Reasons Why, Scourge of the Righteous Haddock, and the poetry of Ray Clark Dickson. Beginning your Christmas shopping early by coming up with thoughtful gift ideas that don’t involve the phrase “Black Friday.” Doing homework. Preparing a fancy dinner for your landlord. Sleeping in. Taking dietary supplements. Frankly, there are a lot of options, so it would do you well to just stop reading this at once.

With All Due Respect,

Lemony Snicket is the author of A Series of Unfortunate Events. He did not really write this column. Intern Chris White-Sanborn is wanted for tomfoolery. Send your collegiate news to [email protected], please, and have a happy Hallowe’en.