As cries of agony reverberate across the shady courtyards of our fair town, Cuesta students menacingly sip their Amontillado under velvet umbrellas and smirk with satisfaction at a sound all too familiar: Cal Poly finals week. Whatever right they have to tout such smugness is a detail left to the reader’s interpretation, and will no doubt be a subject of great debate when, in the ages to come, English professors with an embittering sense of just how little money sits in their pockets after half a decade at Oxford stumble upon this column while rummaging through their closets for some hope of having course material they can afford, and find it stunningly less mediocre than the Nipomo travel brochure on which they had spent the last several hours frantically piecing together a three-week-unit. When comparing this column to earlier texts in the Cougars & Mustangs Compendium, the professors would certainly have reason to believe that Cuesta collegiates can have it rough, but the cryptic amount to which this owes any entitlement is a key issue, which, as I have nothing better to do, and am something of a sadist, I have every intention of thickening up here.

After all, as many literary texts would have one believe, it is not in human nature to help one’s fellow man. So why on Earth would a Cougar such as myself actually encourage Cuesta students to attend an event that will benefit Cal Poly-goers, and local ones—especially when, on top of everything else, they will have to wait to attend, just like those people entombed in finals, until sometime after the finals period?

My sudden change of tone—i.e., deciding to play the majority of the rest of the column straight—will also spark discussion as to why? Is this an experiment in narrative voice? Has something about the speaker changed? Does the author simply enjoy being cheeky? (Don’t expect me to answer that; it’s your homework assignment.)

Cal Poly SLO’s Alumni Chapter will be holding the first-ever Localicious Food and Wine Extravaganza, and it sounds pretty awesome. Local chefs prepare attendees a five-course meal right in front of them, by their tables, and as you’d expect, there will be much imbibing of the local spirits. Because that’s what the event is about, to an extent: local spirit. Not everyone who attends Cal Poly is from out of the area, and living here can be quite expensive, so all proceeds for this wonderful event (which, I might add, starts at 5 p.m. at the San Luis Obispo Embassy Suites on July 20) go toward scholarships for local Cal Poly students. As seating is limited, get your tickets as early as possible at localicious.eventbrite.com. It’s sure to be wonderful fun, and it’s for a good cause! ∆

Intern Chris White-Sanborn almost certainly won’t begin to imply that he’s telling about the event in advance because seating is limited. Send your collegiate news to [email protected], if you’re not afraid of stroking an intern’s ego.