Particularly crafty Poly students strategically conserve and ration the remaining chocolate from care packages they receive months earlier in a festive, artistic display known as a “Dead Week Calendar”—a countdown to the end of finals with great pizzazz. This phenomenon takes its inspiration from the traditional Advent calendars of Christmas, but rather than finding little images of toys or trains with candy behind them, students are greeted with messages of encouragement to power them through the remaining days—or in some cases reminders and insults to guilt them to stop procrastinating. Though forcing oneself to eat only a piece per day is a discipline a great many students find tricky, the organization of chocolate into a daily calendar causes candy stashes to be much more difficult for roommates to steal from. For this reason, business majors in particular find the practice well worth the effort.
Dead Week has arrived, Mustangs—or at least will in a couple of days, depending on where in the time stream you are. Ordinarily I would give you a list of events, but I’m not so sure this time. You’re this close to being done with your classes, and if you’re taking the time to read this column, you’re either procrastinating or taking a well-deserved break. If it’s the former, read the following paragraph. If it’s the latter, read the final paragraph.
Ha! Funny how willing procrastinators can be to admit to what they’re doing, and how that barely seems to change much! It’s one of several paradoxes in the average procrastinator’s life. Well, here’s a little tip for you. Paradoxes are fun in time travel fiction, but not healthy in regular life. Stop reading these words. Seriously. Ooh, see all that lovely, readable text below this one? You aren’t going to read it because you’re going to get to work right away. I know you’re stressed as hell but you CAN PERSEVERE! I’ll be here waiting when you’re done, when you can read the next paragraph. Later!
Dude, congratulations. Seriously. I know you aren’t technically done with things yet—you have finals, after all, and you’re just taking a break right now, not even finished with stuff—but congrats! You’re working very hard, and society says that’s the only way to make it. In seriousness, though, school is an immense pain but doesn’t have to be—this is a thorn on the rose of your education: necessary, but it hurts. All the poorly constructed metaphors in the world aren’t going to do you any favors, however. I can’t give good advice as to how to balance not working hard enough and not working too hard, so I’ll just remind you that you only have a few days left and you can do it!
Intern Chris White-Sanborn stole someone’s care package once. Three boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese later, he forgot the punchline and told you to send your collegiate news to firstname.lastname@example.org.