Dear Daniel Boyd McMonegal, owner-operator of West Coast Organix, you are a total moron!
You get SLO County's first ever, brand spanking new commercial cannabis sales permit, and next you're indicted in a super secret dark web nationwide federal sting operation for allegedly illegally selling pot in exchange for Bitcoin? What a toolbag! You're effing it up for everybody else!
Look, I get that the SLO County powers-that-be seem to be doing everything in their control to make it harder than blindfolded, left-handed Chinese calligraphy to operate a legal cannabis business, which encourages a continued black market, but your douche move has accomplished three terrible things!
First, you've just given ammo to the anti-cannabis crowd that justifies the onerous complications of obtaining permits and licenses, and you've vindicated the absurd level of scrutiny pot opponents have demanded on the now-legal industry. In short, you've made a business that's trying desperately to come into the light look shady.
Second, you've given SLO County's already gun-shy conservative majority—I'm talking to you John Peschong, Lynn Compton, and Debbie Arnold—reason to be even more suspicious of cannabis businesses and stingy with their licensing. You think you had to jump through hoops to get a license? The next pot vendor is going to need to be Jackie-Chan-on-steroids nimble to navigate the licensing procedures. You've made the county look stupid for approving your license, in effect staining their process. Lame!
Third, you've probably landed yourself in federal prison for 20 years, cost yourself a $1 million fine, and put your employees out of their jobs. That's a real dick move!
Before you start whining about how it's unfair that marijuana is a Schedule I drug alongside heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and peyote; and that even meth, oxycodone, and fentanyl are lower at Schedule II—which I agree is bullshit—you're still undermining the burgeoning legal marijuana industry. Baby steps, baby! Pot advocates have been working for decades at legalization. Your behavior taints an entire industry.
Obviously, marijuana should not be a Schedule I, II, or even III drug. I can see an argument for Schedule IV, which includes Xanax, Valium, and Soma. But we are where we are. The legal California marijuana biz is on the precipice of being extremely lucrative, and you, Danny-boy, were in the catbird seat. Now you're going to be in the hot seat, trying to explain to a federal judge how you're innocent of laundering Bitcoin in exchange for thousands of bucks in cash through an undercover agent in New York who sent it through the U.S. mail like it was a crisp fifty in your birthday card from Grandma McMonegal.
Guess you're not as smart as you thought you were, Danny McMoron. I think I speak for the entire recreational marijuana smoking population of SLO County when I say, "You're harshing my mellow, man. See you in 20 ... hopefully not!"
Dear Arroyo Grande Mayor Jim Hill, I see you recently sent a letter to the California Fair Political Practices Commission to ask if you should recuse yourself from voting on the proposed Brisco Road project since the sites are within 2,600-feet of your residence.
They told you that, yes, you should recuse yourself. Is this a case of better-late-than-never? You've been talking about and involved with the ongoing discussion of the project for years! Why did you wait until now to check if you're in conflict? You know where you live, right? Check the tag your mom sewed into your underpants.
Dear Gov. Jerry Brown, I hear SLO Mayor Heidi Harmon, and City Councilmembers Aaron Gomez, Andy Pease, and Dan Rivoire (among dozens of other elected California officials) recently sent you a letter asking you to squash California's fossil fuel industry and transition to 100 percent renewable energy. My question is this: Does this sort of thing work or is it a stunt?
Jerry—may I call you Jerry?—Jerry, I couldn't help but notice SLO Vice Mayor Carlyn Christianson didn't sign the group letter. She emailed New Times reporter and basketball bobblehead figurine collector Peter Johnson to say, "Just asking Gov. Brown to do such a thing, even for symbolic reasons, smacks of what I call Facebook politics—it doesn't actually change anything at all, and instead often seems to instead create a strange 'us vs. them' dynamic, shutting down necessary dialogue on how to actually move towards a new future."
Jer—may I call you Jer?—Jer, she may have a point. I mean you are a lame duck governor with only six months or so left on your final term, so you don't really have the time or power to accomplish much more than you already have, and you already publicly stated California would adhere to the Paris Climate Agreement even though our President Donald "Tender Age Detention" Trump refused to, and your policies have certainly encouraged a transition to renewables. Yeah, I think Christianson may have been right not to jump on the publicity-stunt bandwagon.
Dear Heidi, Aaron, Andy, and Dan, I appreciate where your hearts are (in your chests, right?), but empty gestures don't enact change, policies do. Instead of writing letters, write, "I will not bother Gov. Moonbeam," 100 times on a blackboard.
Anyway, letters are stupid, amirite? Δ
The Shredder writes sternly worded letters to Santa. Send ideas and comments to email@example.com.