Editor’s note: 2007
Here at The Daily Paper, we understand that you don’t always have the time to slog through long, complicated news stories having to deal with events in consonant-heavy countries that end in “stan” or “zbek.” To that end, we’re substituting that underutilized coverage with revitalized and beefed-up coverage of quaint, whimsical doghouses, as well as hard-hitting letters from readers complaining about meals they’ve eaten. We’re confident you’ll appreciate this new attention to local issues and consumer concerns. You’ll begin to notice the changes in today’s edition.
Editor’s note: 2008
Here at The Daily Paper, we understand that you receive most of your actual daily “news” via the Internet and thus don’t necessarily value reading largely the same “news” in print form the next day in “newspapers.”
To that end, we are substituting that underutilized coverage with revitalized coverage of events that happened several days ago and were subsequently written about in the Los Angeles Times. We’re confident you’ll appreciate this new, less-hurried approach to current events. You’ll begin to notice the changes in today’s edition. Or, perhaps, tomorrow’s.
P.S.: We truly regret that we erroneously printed a story that referred to an apparent real estate “slump.” This was not a well-balanced story as it failed to mention that Realtors are hoping nobody will notice. It will not happen again.
Editor’s note: Late 2008
I think it was Tip O’Neill who said it best: “On Mondays, there is no local news.” Truer words have never been spoken. Here at The Daily Paper, we realize that you don’t want to be burdened with local news on the first day of the workweek, when every word you are forced to read feels like a link on Marley’s chain. To that end, we are consolidating the “Front” and “Local” sections of the paper, for your own convenience, into one new “Whisperlite” section that we’ve designed to be so light it will have to be weighted down with small pebbles to stay on driveways in the morning. We’re confident you’ll appreciate the changes. You’ll see the changes in today’s edition. If you don’t see it, check the prevailing winds.
The cost for this improved packaging will conveniently stay the same.
A month later:
Remember that last editor’s note? Scrap that. We heard you loud and clear, so in an effort to be more responsive to our readers, we are rededicating ourselves to local coverage, even on Mondays.
Another month later:
On second thought, um, not on Mondays.
Editor’s note: Early 2009
In these trying economic times, and in an effort to serve you better, we have consolidated the Health, Science, Home, Religion, Books, Nature, and Business sections of the paper into an easier-to-digest section that will be called “The Actual Interesting Stuff.” It will run, as room allows, on Tuesdays, in the bottom left-hand margin of our now-award-winning “Whimsical Doghouses” section.
Fear not, however: We continue to devote space, regardless of the costs, to our daily coverage of Lindsey Lohan’s evolving sexual orientation. You will find that news, as always, prominently displayed on page A2.
Indeed, this is a trying time in the newspaper industry, but our core mission remains the same: We pledge to continue to be dedicated to running recycled comic strips written by dead people, to offering advice on fabric stain removal techniques, and to run columns that span the entire geographic perspective of white-haired white men.
P.S: In an effort to save on printing costs, we’re also altering the timing of the “Weekend” section. It will now run on Wednesdays.
Editor’s note: Late 2009?
In effort to serve you better, we will be eliminating the vowels from the newspaper. Our readers have spoken out, via texted
e-mails, to let us know they no longer value these vowels. Th chngs wll bgn mmdtly.
Crap, I hate it when I ride a gimmick so far I don’t have time to properly rip on anything else. Here’s a couple things:
• The Sheriff’s Department arrested a guy who, when an underage kid asked him to buy alcohol, agreed to but then took off with the money; maybe he thought he’d teach the kid a lesson. Maybe. Turns out, the kid was working for the Sheriff’s Department in one of those “shoulder tap” stings. Now he’s facing felony charges. It would have only been a misdemeanor to buy the booze.
• Check out this week’s story about the legal separation papers filed against Sheriff Patrick Hedges by his wife Sandy. It can’t be much of a surprise after she felt the need to call Hedges’ own deputies to come escort him from their house a month or so back.
• One to watch out for: There’s a new “group,” or at least one guy using a new name, testifying about smart-growth planning. The guy is Charlie Whitney. His new group, which he says has 2,500 members, is called ABELCO, standing for agriculture, building, labor, education coalition for SLO County. I guess ABELCOSLO didn’t have the same ring. ∆
You can write to shredder at firstname.lastname@example.org but she might not write back.