Man oh man. I don't know about you, but I am still hung over from Mother's Day. Hoo boy. That was one killer celebration, my friend. The last thing I remember was Grandma Shredder doing body shots off of the pizza delivery guy. Then everything goes hazy and fuzzy and black until Tuesday morning.
But enough about my clan. Onto the real issue of the day: I wish we had Fox News covering local events, because they'd have such manly graphics and logos for the mess up in Atascadero. I'm thinking, like, a 3-D gavel spinning around until it plays Whack-A-Mole on the heads of those two council members, Mike Brennler and Ellen Beraud, who are the subject of this recent recall attempt. Then they'd cue the triumphant music "dum da da shwaaaang!" and the logo: "Recall 'Em All," or maybe just "Shock and Awe-ful Government."
I could work at Fox. Seriously. All it would take is a few inside connections and a complete lack of ethics. At least I'm halfway there. I know a guy who knows a guy.
Anyway, Fox News would definitely be the venue for it. I don't think it's possible to even decipher the language of the petition that's been proposed for the recall unless you're a white male developer with a couple of bypasses under your sternum.
Here's a sample of the listed grounds for the recall: " imposing excessive/punitive requirements on those that would build here, appointment of and support of planning commissioners who make rulings based on their personal agendas with total disregard to the hardships they impose on the applicants, while disregarding the accepted policies "
I have no idea what it means or why the city council members should be recalled for whatever the planning commissioners are or aren't doing but the whole thing's got such a musky, manly smell about it, it makes me want to grab my gun and a six pack of Pabst and a handful of Levitra and go shoot some guvment signs. I'd roll right now, but I haven't been able to find any of my shotgun shells since, well, that whole Mother's Day thing. I hope we didn't kill anybody.
Mike Jackson and Ray Buban are the two guys who put their names on the recall effort. They're going to have to collect more than 3,000 signatures 20 percent of registered voters in the city to oust the dastardly duo. My favorite thing about the effort is how the opponents have created a web site at "recallthebs.com." Unless there's someone out there named Thebs who needs recalling, I think they're calling Brennler and Beraud "The Bs," which is fine and pithy except that Ray Buban has a couple of Bs in his name all to himself, so I get just a little more confused. Also, the first time I saw the web site address, I thought they were just trying to be polite instead of coming right out and saying "recall the bastards," but that's just the way my mind works.
To top it all off, now I have that Beatles song stuck in my head, but it's tweaked a little: "Letter B, letter B, letter B, oh letter B. Speaking words of wisdom, letter B."
When I first heard about this whole recall shenanigan, I figured it had everything to do with the Wal-Mart fight in Atascadero, but apparently it has something to do with creek setbacks and war memorials. But the J-Bs (that's Jackson and Buban for those of you who can't keep up) aren't even alleging any wrongdoing. These guys just don't like "the Bs," who were only elected a few months ago. The recallers just don't want to wait until the next election.
I tell ya, ever since former governor Gray Davis got hit by the recall truck, that thing's been barreling all over the road, smacking people right and left. Everybody wants a chance behind the wheel. I guess it was just a matter of time before it arrived in Atascadero.
I can remember when that truck was still veering around over in Los Osos, making speed bumps out of CSD members.
What kind of logo would Fox have for the Los Osos sewer issue? Cue the triumphant music "dum da da fluuuuuush!" and the logo: "Septic Shock."
Only these days, the shock would be that everyone seems to be getting along over there. Call it coincidence, but ever since Lois Capps fell in the muck while touring the estuary, everybody's been full of a strange kind of optimism. Seriously. I was just wandering the streets there the other day, looking for skid marks okay, it was after Mother's Day and I don't have any recollection of how I got there at all, but the fact is, I saw rainbows and white doves carrying olive branches and people hugging in the streets. And no, I hadn't dropped any acid. That's for Father's Day.
It's almost like Los Osos decided to take some collective enema that flushed out the toxins of threats and ill will and general malaise in a gush of, well, you know how an enema works, right?
At a recent meeting, the Regional Water Quality Control Board showed some confidence in the construction of an eventual wastewater treatment thingy. The board's enforcement coordinator, Harvey Packard, even went so far as to use the word "happy" to describe their current mood. And I'm sure folks who aren't receiving "stop, or we'll fine" orders are happy, too. It's like a big love fest in Los Osos now, which proves that every cloud has a silver lining, even clouds of raw sewage, so there's hope for Atascadero too. For anyone whose name starts with a "B," though, I'd look both ways before crossing the street.