When you were a kid, did you ever find yourself the victim of a sticky, drool-covered neck? It’s probably because you were gnawing on a good, old-fashioned candy necklace. Well, edible underwear is exactly like a candy necklace, except it’s for your junk. Sorry to ruin your childhood.
Chances are you’ve seen a pair of edible undies a least once in your life. You’ve probably snickered, blushed, or maybe even thought, “Damn, I’m hungry” at the sight of those sugary, chewy britches.
But have you ever wondered what they taste like, or how functional they are? I mean, dudes don’t really want to go to a business meeting clad in a cherry-flavored banana hammock if it’s going to make their crotches smell like a cheap air freshener.
Fear not! This New Times writer has taken it upon herself to taste test the market’s finest offerings in underwear so you know exactly what to expect when you slap on a pair of peach panties.
There are several locations in San Luis Obispo County that carry edible underwear, but the selection at Diamond Adult World in Grover Beach has yet to be rivaled.
They have candy bras, crotchless strawberry thongs, and male gummy undies. For the adventurous spirit, the starved, or the experienced underwear-muncher, there’s no end to the possibilities.
For starters, I dug into a green apple flavored male thong. As an extreme novice to the world of edible undershorts, I had no idea what to expect.
What I discovered was that these knickers are delicious, and for $5.95 a pop, I had to take a moment to mourn all the money I’ve wasted on movie theater candy over the years.
The green apple thong had a jerky consistency with a Sour Patch Kid flavor. I can’t speak to how well this set-up would work during sexy-time, but I would definitely carry a pair in my trunk as an emergency snack. Best of all, it’s low carb.
Next up is the Kandi Undies Bra. While it’s a bit pricier at $12.95 a bra, the box boasts that it will “Give ‘hard candy’ a whole new meaning.” Each bra includes 300 pieces of candy, which means that by the time you manage to chew it off someone, you’ll be diabetic and exhausted.
These bras pack a whopping 900 calories, but chances are if you’re wearing one, you’re doing some serious cardio already.
A source at New Times (who wishes to remain anonymous) tells me that when he and his wife got real serious with a pair of edible underwear, things got messy.
“When it finally came time to eat the underwear, they had sort of melted … into this big, red mess, which ruined it,” he explained.
This fate can be avoided by picking up the more durable underwear described above, or saving the chonies for a strictly platonic afternoon pick-me-up.
Diamond Adult World is in Grover Beach at 984 W. Grand Ave. ∆
Calendar Editor Maeva Considine ate undies for this week’s Bites, and she liked it. We want a Bite! Send us your food, wine, and related news at firstname.lastname@example.org.