Opinion » Shredder

Fabio goes to Washington

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Have you seen the new Justin Fareed political commercial? It’s awesomely tacky! Watch as the 24th District congressional candidate rides a horsey! He’s one shirtless pose away from channeling his inner Vladimir Putin! Is he running for Congress or auditioning as the cover model of a grocery store romance novel?

In another ad, the former bench-riding UCLA tailback can be seen stretching in the sunrise before jogging off with a football. He waves at some friendly cowboys and then runs by several Central Coast landmarks. Hey, is that a hot girl waving at him from her front porch? I think I remember this premise from a porno.

The staunch conservative is running against liberal Salud Carbajal, whom he calls “stale” in a commercial. A grinning woman presents a fresh loaf of bread to the camera, and it’s golden brown and beautiful. That’s Fareed, the fresh-faced kid. Then as the music changes from cheerfully upbeat to sinister, her bread becomes a moldering mess. That’s Salud, the stale politician. 

You see, in the wacky world of politics, inexperience matters most! 

Fareed’s not the only wannabe pol with a political ad. Jordan Cunningham, who’s running for Assembly and touts his conservative credentials as a former prosecutor and taxpayers’ advocate, has a little ad where you can see him walking in slow motion while talking to a couple, ostensibly about how tough he is on crime. Hey, there he is with SLO County Sheriff Ian Parkinson! Looky here! Santa Barbara County Sheriff Bill Brown also endorses him! He’s gonna kick crime’s ass! 

Cunningham’s other ad targets his opponent Dawn Ortiz-Legg, who according to the ad “FAILS!” Why? Because she’s co-founder of the local Code Pink chapter, the anti-war group. Cunningham’s ad talks about how Code Pink protested with “fake coffins at veterans hospitals” and how in 2010 Ortiz-Legg wrote, “We are all guilty of war crimes.”

Um, not sure if you know this, Jordy, but most Americans now believe the Iraq War was a terrible idea, and they’d also like us to get out of the perpetual war business in general. Code Pink and Ortiz-Legg understood that war begets war long before most Americans came around. That’s not “bad judgment,” as your ad claims; it’s good judgment! 

Ortiz-Legg has an ad attacking Cunningham for defending criminals, but hello! Everyone needs a good defense. Remember? Innocent until proven guilty. And he was a prosecutor, too, so he’s actually ridden both sides of the criminal justice fence. 

I was informed that Carbajal had an ad swiping at Fareed, but I couldn’t find it. What I did find were ads advocating for veterans services, expanding Pell Grants for students, and an ad eschewing negativity in political ads. But maybe there’s no need for a negative ad, when your opponent calls a city—Lompoc—in the district an “armpit,” like Carbajal did. Gaff much? 

We’re less than 50 days out from the election. I have a feeling it’s going to get ugly out there, especially with outside money flowing into elections like these.

One thing I am looking forward to is voting on Proposition 64, the recreational marijuana law. Sadly, if it passes it will cut into the incomes of a lot of shady doctors who have been writing medical marijuana prescriptions willy-nilly. On the plus side, medical and recreational marijuana laws have already started to hurt drug cartels because any nitwit knows eliminating a black market eliminates crime. 

How a couple of our local cities are approaching the impending new law—58 percent of Californians are for it—tells you everything you need to know about the irrationality regarding pot.

Paso Robles is rushing an ordinance prohibiting brick-and-mortar dispensaries, non-medical marijuana delivery services, and outdoor cultivation. They want to be like one of those dumb-ass “dry counties” where people drive out of them to buy booze, spend money and pay taxes in neighboring counties, and then come home and get rip-roaring drunk, laughing at their stupid local government for not cashing in.

Down in Grover Beach, they have another approach. They plan to tax the crap out of pot: 5 percent for medical and 10 for recreational. When you look at the improved economies and flush tax coffers of states that have legalized recreational marijuana, passing the law seems like a no-brainer. States and local municipalities can generate income; illegal drug cartels can die a slow death; law enforcement can spend their time and resources on more important stuff; and people of color won’t be singled out via unfair policing, thrown in jail, and have their lives ruined for smoking a joint and chilling the F out like ballers.

You know who else needs to CTFO? Jerry Gruber, general manager of the Cambria Community Services District. In a report to the board, Gruber complained that there were seven public records requests since Aug. 17! And they came from three people who need to be publicly shamed for overwhelming CCSD’s “resources and time” and hampering their ability to “provide superb customer service” to the other less gadfly-ish citizens.

Um, yeah. Government transparency is a bitch. Smoke a joint, Gruber, kick your feet up, and imagine Justin Fareed shirtless on horseback. That’s the sort of transparency we all need.  

The Shredder advocates reading, even grocery store romances. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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