Opinion » Shredder

Fight, fight, fight!

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Wow! Just wow! I’m really getting a run for my money as the most childish voice in the political conversation. In fact, I feel like a giddy grade school kid watching the school bully and the whiny mama’s boy face off in an epic playground slapfest while the local gossip runs to complain to the nearest teacher.

In one corner we have 3rd District Supervisor Adam “Ass Kicker” Hill and in the other his opponent, SLO City Vice Mayor Dan “You’re a Meany” Carpenter. I know, I know. These two jokers have been in this column more times than fart jokes and exclamation marks!!! What can I say? They’re low hanging fruit, and I’m lazier than a retired three-toed sloth on its third martini.

Anywho, where to begin? How about Carpenter’s lawyer Charles H. Bell, Jr., who on behalf of his client sent a cease and desist order to local blab radio station KVEC and its Regional Vice President Ron Roy, complaining that anti-Carpenter radio spots the “station may have received” from Hill are “replete with false statements.” 

Holy guacamole, Batman! Somebody call a wah’bulance! Political advertisements that contain misleading or distorted claims against an opponent? I do declare! Guide me to my fainting couch! 

Proving slander and libel isn’t as easy as Carpenter and Bell may believe, but I’m guessing the real problem is Carpenter thought KVEC, Radio Dude Dave Congalton, and local online news hounds CalCoastNews were all anti-Hill and in his pocket. Sorry, Danny-boy, but when it comes to loyalty, advertising dollars are No. 1. You should take out your own ads! Oh yeah, I forgot your campaign coffers aren’t as plump and delicious as Hill’s. Don’t you and CalCoastNews claim Hill’s in the pockets of Big Developers and that’s why he has so much money? Your lack of proof of Hill’s allegiance to development doesn’t mean you’re slandering him, right? And speaking of “right,” aren’t you the right leaning candidate to Hill’s abhorrent liberalism? I’m so confused!

Not that Hill should be let off the hook. I think he’s a big baby when he’s not being a big bully. Notice how I said, “I think?” Now it’s not libel. Winning!

And what about that school gossip running off to complain to the nearest teacher? Her name is CalCoastNews and the teacher is The Tribune. CalCoastNews founder Daniel Blackburn recently penned an opinion piece complaining that The Tribune is “the leading cause of widespread governmental corruption so widely associated with San Luis Obispo County” because they’re not breaking up the fight between Carpenter and Hill and pointing out that Hill’s a dirty trickster and “the architect of the acrimony, having assembled a cabal of attack dogs to spew his poison 24-7” on social media.

Apparently Hill, the school bully, is also the school brown-noser, since Miss Tribune has endorsed him in his bid for re-election to class president, er, I mean 3rd District Supervisor. 

“Jeez Miss Tribune, come quick! The bully Hill is about to kick the wimp Carpenter’s ass. You should really do something!” Blackburn exclaims.

Blackburn also scolded KVEC for “condescending to the Little Man [read Adam Hill] and allowing him to get away with his threats and badgering.” Yeah, KVEC! How dare you take advertising money from a candidate Blackburn’s website disapproves of!

According to Carpenter and CalCoastNews, “threats and badgering” are what Hill does best anyway. Last year the website wrote a story in which Carpenter claimed Hill literally threatened, “to take [him] out in the field and kick [his] ass,” in front of “several unnamed witnesses.” Unnamed witnesses, eh? Um, aren’t finding, naming, and confirming said witnesses what reporting is all about? And if all you have is Carpenter’s word, is this news or gossip?

Sigh. Is it any wonder so much of the citizenry has opted out of politics? Why vote when your choice is between a couple of whiny babies slapping each other on the playground while Rome burns around them?

Should Diablo Canyon’s license be renewed? Should the South County get in bed with the nuclear power plant and use its desalination facility? What’s the long-range plan for dealing with our drought? What are we going to do about chronic homelessness? Should we allow the Phillips 66 Rail Spur project? What about urban sprawl, creating permanent open spaces, and encouraging agriculture while mitigating its negative effects? These are actual issues that demand attention.

It may be entertaining to circle around the school bully and the wimp as they slap at each other and we egg them on, but frankly, I’m getting enough of that with our presidential race. Let’s instead hold our local officials and those who seek to replace them to a higher standard. Quit acting like immature asshats, clean up your campaigns, and let’s hear about the issues. How about it, boys?

Oh, and as for former Pismo Beach Mayor and 3rd District candidate Debbie Peterson, nice job staying out of the mud. Here’s your opening to set the tone and get into this race. We’re all waiting!  

The Shredder doesn’t know karate but it knows ca-razy. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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