I’ve been really getting into dog shaming photos. You know the ones. A photo of a cute little dog with a sign around its neck: “I let strangers pet me. And then I bite them.” Or “I pee a little when I see people outside, and I know it’s wrong, so I lick it up so mom won’t see.”
They’re endlessly entertaining, and I’m pretty sure they’re the inspiration behind SLO County District Attorney Dan Dow’s new approach to prostitution.
You do remember the good old days when public shaming kept people in line, right? “Hey, hussy! Wear this scarlet ‘A’!” Well, the good old days are back!
In an effort to cut down on hookers, pimps, and johns, the DA’s Office is now putting out press releases about men (and I guess women, if they can find any) convicted of trying to pay for sex.
“On September 29, 2015, a San Luis Obispo jury convicted Yonas Yohannes (DOB 5/31/88) of misdemeanor solicitation of prostitution in violation of Penal Code section 647(b),” a press release intoned.
Hey Assistant District Attorney Lee Cunningham, you wrote “penal.” Heh heh.
“The District Attorney’s Office will continue to vigorously prosecute those persons soliciting prostitution, and publish their conviction, in an effort to reduce the demand for such activity,” Cunningham added, totally ruining my plans for Friday night. Looks like it’s just me, a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused™, and a Nicholas Sparks marathon.
“Oh, Noah. It’ll never be over between you and Allie. Never!”
But I digress. My point is, be warned, misdemeanor-ers! Next time just stay home and spank it like the other lonely losers. You’re going to hate yourself after wasting your money having sex with a desperate stranger anyway since you’re probably too drunk to notice that the prostitute you just propositioned is actually a cop.
Speaking of being unnoticed, Lynda Merrill of Morro Bay wrote to tell me how Bay News and its opinion writer Neil Farrell are super biased and refuse to acknowledge or print her letters to the editor about her disapproval of fireworks in Morro Bay. Can I shame them for her? Sure!
“The City is suppose to be a bird sanctuary and has a motto of ‘Discover Your Better Nature,’” Merrill wrote me. “I guess that doesn’t mean anything. We’ve all heard you shouldn’t have arguments with people who buy ink by the barrel, and in this case are in control of your local newspaper. After all, I criticized your column about what you said about the people who opposed mandatory vaccinations and my letter was still published!!”
Well, yeah, Lynda, but that’s because my editor’s into publicly shaming me. So, let me see what I can do.
“Dear Neil. Do you need an anonymous office appliance to write a column making fun of people? If so, please private message me at www.facebook.com/The-Shredder-109737575745609/timeline/.”
Hope that helps, Lynda!
Speaking of Facebook, I’ve got to give a shout-out to shame monger Jay Salter (www.facebook.com/jay.salter.37), or as his enemies call him, a “well known leftist agitator” and “crypto-fascist,” whose online rants are so deliciously tasty I’m jealous. He’s only got 245 friends, so if you like to read someone dishing the dirt on local politics, Jay’s your man. Follow that dude! If he could, I bet he’d hang signs around the necks of 4th District Supervisor Lynn Compton and 5th District Supervisor Debbie Arnold that say, “I pee a little when COLAB invites me to speak because I’m so excited.”
You know COLAB, the euphemistically titled Coalition of Labor, Agriculture, & Business, which wants to exploit labor, take all the water for ag, and is a shill for business and developer interests. Nice folks … if you like Ayn Rand and her dog-eat-dog “utopia.”
And speaking of dogs (and coming full circle), one bit a CHiP!
Alleged car thief Michael Fordyce just found out the hard way that when resisting arrest (aka running from police), he’s responsible for any injuries incurred by pursuing officers even if said injuries were caused by a police dog.
Fordyce was chillin’ in his sweet stolen ride in Arroyo Grande when he saw the Po-Po approach, so he beat feet out of there, but a CHP officer also in pursuit was chomped on by DJ, a member of the sheriff’s K-9 unit, so now Fordyce will be charged with “resisting arrest resulting in serious bodily injury to a peace officer.”
“The officer got a little too close to DJ as he was working the incident and bit him on the arm, resulting in a minor injury that just broke the skin,” Sheriff’s Department Spokesman Tony Cipolla said. “The officer was taken for treatment. No stitches, no broken bones.”
That “minor injury” is what accounts for “serious bodily injury?” Seriously? I guess you shouldn’t have run, Fordyce. “Stay, Fordyce! Sit!”
Well, too late. As for DJ, he’ll be out of his two-week quarantine soon. In the meantime, I think there’s a photo of him online wearing a sign that says, “I bit a police officer because he smelled like doughnuts.”
The Shredder loves dogs, law enforcement, and Nicholas Sparks, in that order. Send ideas and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.