I’m a bitch. But don’t freak out, all right? ’Cause I’m also a lover. I’m a child, but—and I’m about to blow your mind, here—I’m also a mother. I’m a sinner. I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed.
Maybe those words are not my own, but they so perfectly sum up the duality of our existence—good and bad, chocolate and vanilla, socks and sandals—that it seemed fair to indulge my taste for awesome music that totally rocks. Besides, it fits with our subject matter this week.
Take the Atascadero City Council, which is full of libertarian-leaning conservatives who believe that people who rely on government handouts are lazy socialists bleeding the taxpayers dry. These latter-day Ayn Rands know where to turn in their hour of fiscal need: The Great Corporate Savior. But it turns out that in order to secure The Great Corporate Savior, the city has to beg for money from SLOCOG in order to have enough cash to update the city’s roads. So what we have now is a bunch of libertarians so eager to worship their giant, golden, corporate calf that they’re willing to beg for money from the stinkin’ government even though according to their political philosophy the government stinks.
Sounds like Meredith Brooks and I aren’t the only ones who are contradictions in terms. Atascadero shouldn’t feel too badly, though, because according to the United States Census Bureau, of the 11 states that accepted the highest percentage of federal aid, 10 happen to be red. How red? Let’s just say I’ve been hearing banjoes in my head the last couple of days. So you like to gripe loudly about taxes while pocketing large amounts of the money generated from those taxes! That doesn’t make you a socialist commie. It does make you a hypocrite, but as I pointed out earlier, a little paradox is sexy, helps keep the mystery alive.
But Cal Poly fraternities are ready and willing to give Atascadero city officials a run for their money. The school year has just barely kicked off and already some of the fraternities are back to their Neanderthal antics of the previous year—you know, the ones in which they degrade women and minorities and then loudly protest that they’re obviously not sexist and how dare the rest of us hold them accountable for their bad behavior? Ever since the Colonial-Bros-and-Nava-hoes incident, the frats and sororities have been highly defensive of their collective image, but their concern apparently isn’t sufficient to inspire them to actually modify their behavior.
A member of Pi Kappa Alpha, writing about the Sigma Kappa sorority, recently posted on Facebook: “ … Sigma Kappas freshman class this year is FUCKING FIRE. We just facebook stalked a large amount of them and my dick is currently harder than … While I know that a large amount of the sophomore Sigma Kappas are weird and/ or ugly, it is imperative that we get them out there this weekend so that they bring their hot heart sisters. We can’t afford to let all this this hot young box end up loving Persian or Lambda Chai Tea weiner … PS These girls are all Pike Virgins, just saying.”
The post made it to Mustang News and Reddit and to the Cal Poly communications office. Now, members of the Cal Poly Greek community are going to flood the community with messages about how they help train blind puppies and this abhorrent message only reflects the views of a single fraternity brother—never mind the 30-plus likes the post received before it was found out. I’m sure Pi Kappa Alpha is going to backpedal for all it’s worth. I’m sure they’re going to try to argue that they’re scholarly and community-minded gentlemen besides being misogynistic bros whose brain chemistry has been permanently altered by one too many kegstands.
And for the final paradox, we have Assemblyman Katcho Achadjian, who issued the following opinion on global warming: “It’s called global warming, not California warming. Why is it our responsibility to save the world?” I mean, geez, how much can you reasonably expect from an assemblyman with an SUV-load of money? At first, this seemed like the greatest paradox of all: a career politician who isn’t interested in enacting change, starting at a local level. But then I looked at the big picture. Achadjian owns a bunch of gas stations and drives a ginormous SUV. Does this sound like the type of person who cares about the environment? Or perhaps the real question is: Which does Achadjian value more—his investment portfolio or the environment?
Sadly, a politician who votes in the interest of his wallet rather than the interest of his constituents isn’t necessarily a contradiction in terms. He’s just a politician looking out for No. 1. Which I suppose I’m actually kind of thankful for, because it’s tough keeping up with all those paradoxes and anomalies. It’s nice that there are some things you can count on, like a politician blowing off the future for a few quick bucks.
Shredder’s a saint. Send halos to firstname.lastname@example.org.