It’s almost Halloween, the night when small persons disguised as pirates, princesses, and cartoon characters you’ve never heard of will be pattering up your walk to ask for some free candy. Which, in this economy, should be illegal. Why don’t those gluttonous little moochers get a job already and buy their own damn candy?
In the spirit of the season, we kids here at New Times (and there are a lot of us) are giving you some tips on how to have a smashing good time this ghoulish season.
1. If you do nothing else this Halloween, at least give out candy that is actually worth getting. Candy that goes over well includes brands you’ve actually heard of and anything tradable to younger, less-experienced siblings or dieting parents who have cash. In case you don’t recall the post trick-or-treating procedure, here’s a recap: You go home, dump all your candy on the living room floor, segregate it by type and likeability, and then barter your Milk Duds for someone else’s Good ’N Plenty. Here are a few items that you should never, ever pass out to innocent youngsters:
• candy corn: NOBODY LIKES THESE.
• tiny lollipops: Seriously? You can’t commit to the real thing?
• raisins: Nature’s candy? Try a kid’s worst nightmare. Kids get these in their lunchboxes all year round, and they don’t have to go through all that costume work to get them either.
• toothbrushes: This aren’t even candy. I get these free from my dentist.
2. With all the work of opening the door and pretending to be interested in the 10th Harry Potter you’ve seen that night, you’ll need sustenance. Try this: After un-gutting your jack-o-lantern, roast the seeds to make a tasty snack. Pre-heat the oven to 300 degrees. Wash the seeds and pat them dry with a paper towel. Put the seeds in a bowl and toss with a small amount of olive oil. Lay the seeds out on a cookie sheet, and bake for 20 to 30 minutes, turning occasionally. Stay aware of what the seeds are doing, because they’ll go from “done” to “burnt and gross” very quickly. You can keep it simple and season them with salt and pepper, or be bold and reckless and try something like “Cajun style.” Personally, I like sugar and cinnamon.
3. Don’t get caught with a lame costume. Jesus? It’s been done. Dracula? Boring. Non-descript comic book villain? Get a life. Stop thinking so hard and it’ll come to you. And because I’m nice, I’ll even give you a freebie: ninja-Colonel Sanders. You’re welcome.
4. Be safe and smart. If you’re going out to party, make sure you arrange a safe ride home beforehand. And if you know your friends are irresponsible, take one for the team and volunteer to be D.D.
New Times intern Ana Korgan’s Halloween costume is way cooler than yours. We want a bite! Send your cuisine-related news to firstname.lastname@example.org.