Did he or didn’t he? One thing is certain, Paso Robles High School football coach Richard Schimke definitely poured syrup in his player Joe Moscato’s belly button in a post-game celebration. Did Coach Dick lick it out or only pretend to lick it out as his Ventura-based attorney Bob Barosh asserts, and more importantly, aren’t both scenarios really, really weird and creepy? Maybe this is the kind of locker room Donald Trump was talking about where dudes wax poetic about grabbing women by their pussies.

After receiving a video of the Oct. 14 incident, Joe’s mom Heather Moscato contacted the Paso Robles Police Department, who investigated for three days and determined nothing illegal happened because apparently pouring syrup on a child under your supervision and pretending to lick it off in a crowded locker room is a totally legit thing to do. Hmm. If Joe was actually cheerleader Josephine Moscato, would it still be coolio? The Paso Robles Joint Unified School District was more troubled by the video than the Paso Po-Po and placed Schimke on paid administrative leave pending its own investigation. Simple locker room tomfoolery or indicative of a wider culture of systemic belly button licking? Real maple syrup or that cheap Karo crap? I wait with bated breath to learn the outcome.

And speaking of outcomes, Atascadero resident Dane Sensor recently expressed his concern about the validity of the upcoming election during the public comment period at the Nov. 1 SLO County Board of Supervisors meeting.

“My concern is we’ve seen the voter fraud already preempting the elections. There is voter fraud; let’s not pretend that there is not,” Sensor claimed.

He went on to say he’s afraid to mail in his ballot because he saw a story about a postal worker destroying Trump ballots … except it’s not true. At all. The “story” was actually a joke made on Twitter by @randygdub that was picked up as true by dipshit right-wing blogger Jim “Fact Checking? We Don’t Need No Stinking Fact Checking” Hoft and reiterated by the right-wing Drudge Report and then rehashed once again by right-wing radio asshat Rush Limbaugh. How’s that for a game of telephone? Sorry, right-wing media and Dane “Tinfoil Hat” Sensor, but y’all got punked. Let’s not pretend that you didn’t. Voter fraud is astonishingly rare and has never changed an election result, no matter what Rush-bo huffs or Sensor asserts.

“My concern with voting, and I’d like Mr. Wong also to address,” Sensor continued, wrongly calling SLO County Clerk Tommy Gong Wong, “is that my vote, OK, as a citizen of the United States, I don’t want it to be canceled by an illegal alien.”

Huh? Yeah, seriously because, you know, the California DMV.

“If there’s one illegal voting, it cancels my vote,” Sensor said. 

You know, Dane—may I call you Dane?—you know, Dane, you’re an idiot. Postal workers aren’t destroying Trump ballots. Right-wing media makes people dumber. True story! And illegal aliens, or as I like to call them, undocumented workers doing the jobs Americans are too frickin’ lazy to do, are not voting because of DMV voter registration. You still have to prove you’re a non-felon American citizen, dumbass.

Politics—they make people crazy, amirite? Anybody else get one of the robocalls from former Adam Hill opponent Debbie Peterson? “[3rd District] Supervisor Adam Hill locked me in county hall on a public holiday when no one else was in the building and told me he had a permit to carry a concealed gun,” she claims in an assertion that’s been discredited.

“Ms. Peterson, not done crawling through the swamp of [blog site] CalCoastNews and [KVEC talk radio personality] Dave Congalton, has decided to help [3rd District Supervisor candidate] Dan Carpenter campaign with this sleazy robocall,” Hill said in an email.

Sleazy is right! This is the grossest election season—both locally and at the presidential level—that I’ve witnessed, and the Hill-Carpenter race is especially disgusting.

And may I also say that I am so sick and tired of getting political fliers in my mailbox. Their thick cardstock are murder on my gears … and yeah, I shred those mo-fos immediately and line my illegal pet hedgehog Randy’s cage with them … except the fliers that pretend they have an endorsement from our Santa Maria sister paper the Sun. The 35rd District Assemblyperson candidate Jordon Cunningham’s flier quoted from a letter to the editor and presented it like the Sun’s editorial staff had somehow endorsed him. You have to read the extremely fine print, man. That’s dirty tricksterism! Those fliers I burn! They’re not good enough for Randy’s cage!

And finally, dear whoever’s behind SLO County Residents for Ethics in Government Opposed to Adam Hill, I saw your flier titled “For Sale?” You quote New Times Staff Writer Chris “I Messed with Texas and Lived” McGuinness for taking Hill to task in an article headlined “Hill chides businesses for lack of campaign donations.” First of all, the article came out on Aug. 11, not Aug. 10 as your flier alleges, and second of all, what am I, chopped liver? In that same issue, I shredded Hill within an inch of his political life! Tons of juicy quotes! The best quotes! Quotes like you wouldn’t believe. Trust me, folks, nobody makes quotes like me with words, the best words. Just unbelievably great words you can quote. Now pass me the syrup. 

The Shredder prefers real maple syrup from Vermont. Send ideas and comments to [email protected].