• PHOTO COURTESY OF CANDYE KANE
• VA-VA-VHOOM! : Former pin-up and exotic dancer-turned-diva Candye Kane brings her gusty blues, rockabilly, and jazz to Downtown Brew on June 25.

There’s no other way to say it: Candye Kane’s boobs are redonkulous! They’re so big they have smaller satellite boobs in orbit around them. They’re so gynormous that when she backs up, they go beep, beep, beep. Her boobs are the reason clothing designers had to change “One size fits all” to “One size fits most.” In fact, they’re so massive they think Barnum & Bailey are clothing designers. Whew! They’re just plain BIG!

The self-described plus-size, bisexual, ex-sex worker’s cleavage starts right below her neck and plunges down into the nether regions of whatever risqué top she’s sporting. Fat plumbers, eat your hearts out. You can only dream of a crack like that!

Kane, the six-time winner of Best Blues Band at the San Diego Music Awards has also been a three-time nominee for the 2010 National Blues Foundation Awards for “BB King Entertainer of the Year,” “Best Blues Contemporary CD,” and “Best Contemporary Blues Female” (the highest honors for blues artists). This tough cookie also gave the beat-down to pancreatic cancer in the last two years.

According to her bio, by her mid-20s Kane had been a gang member, single mom, exotic dancer, and punk rock musician—just the kind of f-ed up life that puts the blues into blues singers. Dressed in feathers and sequins, the performer belts ‘em out in the tradition of Big Momma Thornton, Etta James, and Bessie Smith, delivering blues, rockabilly, and jazz tunes.

Experience the magic of Candye Kane on Friday, June 25 at Downtown Brew (7:30 p.m.; 21-and-older; $12 presale or $14 at the door).

Before we get to Friday, though, Downtown Brew has a few other tricks up its sleeve, starting Thursday, June 24, when the club hosts a Chile Earthquake Benefit Concert & Raffle with the Zongo! All-Stars and Threes and Nines (7:30 p.m.; all ages; $15 presale or $20 at the door). According to organizers, “The Terra Foundation, Downtown Brew, Coalition, and Maule Wear present a fabulous night of music, prizes, good friends. All proceeds from what will prove to be a fantastic evening will benefit members of the community of Curanipe, Chile, which was hard hit in the late February earthquake and tsunami and continues to need our support. Proceeds will go directly to families in Curanipe in the form of grants to be used to assist with the reconstruction of their homes.”

On Sunday, June 27, check out punk-inflected rock act Authority Zero (8 p.m.; all ages; $12). If you’re a Rage Against the Machine fan, these guys are right up your alley, but you’ll also recognize such influences as Bad Religion, Dick Dale, Manu Chao, and Sublime.

• PHOTO COURTESY OF THE PIMPS OF JOYTIME
• BIG PIMPIN’! : On June 30, coming straight outta Brooklyn, the funklicious Pimps of Joytime hits Downtown Brew.

• PHOTO COURTESY OF JOE CRAVEN
• CRAVING MORE CRAVEN : On June 27 at Matt’s Music in Paso, musical mastermind Joe Craven will offer a workshop and concert. Get in touch with your musical side, or sit back and listen to one of the most entertaining dudes anywhere!

I just spent a whole weekend with Joe Craven at the Live Oak Music Festival, and I still haven’t had my fill. That’s because the multi-instrumentalist and snappy dresser (many of his shirts are seizure-inducing!) is endlessly inventive, relentlessly entertaining, and a genuine artist.

This Sunday, June 27, at Matt’s Music in Paso, Craven will offer a workshop (2:30 to 4:30 p.m.; $25) and concert (6 p.m.; $20)—do both for $40! Call 237-0054. This event is sponsored by L.R. Baggs. You’ll see their acoustic amplification products on stage with Joe, right along side his fiddle, mandolin, water jugs, and squeeze toys!

In the workshop, this award-winning creativity educator proves that anyone can “sing, keep a beat, and make music confidently with other people.” He’ll inspire you with his ideas and tools, teaching you to use whatever’s in your “toolbox”: rhythm, solos, singing, good manners, whatever!

During the concert, you’ll discover why Joe’s called a musical archeologist who believes that “Music that’s informally made and shared is the hallmark of folk music and it is this spirit of art making that leads to a more creative life of the artist and the listener.”  He’s got a Bachelor of Arts degree in Museology and Aesthetics, he managed an art gallery, and as a visual artist he exhibited his own work in galleries from San Francisco to Santa Fe. The man’s creativity knows no bounds, and he’s completely comfortable in all genres: folk, rock, blues, jazz, and world traditions.

His instruments include violins, mandolins, tin cans, bedpans, gas cans, cookie tins, chamberlins, tenor guitars, panitars, mouthbows, charangos, banjos, canjoes, cuatros, bongos, buckets, berimbau, bundt pans, balalaikas, brake drums, bells, bottles, brush ‘n box, boot ‘n lace, oud, face, Cuban tres, jewel case, metal-glass-clay vase, paper, PVC, pots ‘n pans, panderetas, knitting needles, hoe blades, hambone, jawbone, jello molds, water jugs, oven grates, glasses, squeeze toys, triangles, tongs, cups, cajons, cake pans, waste cans, umbrella stands, stones, cymbals, sea shells, silverware trays, spoons, ukuleles, martini shakers, matchboxes, mbiras, reco recos, guiros, gourds, rhythm sticks, thermos, zippers, and more.

More music…

Cityzen is returning Thursday, June 24, at 10 p.m. in the Frog and Peach. “We have a unique stage presence since our lead singer is a quadriplegic with a killer voice, who is very animated and theatrical,” said Jeff from the band. “The rest of the band is comprised of talented and highly energetic musicians featuring a violin and sax player. This is definitely a unique show and you don’t want to miss it. Plus, our favorite band eEnik will be opening the show; they’re awesome!”

The Central Coast’s favorite dance band, The Mighty Croon Dogs, will bring their genre-bending, infectious, good time music to Paso’s City Park this Friday, June 25 from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. As always, this concert is free!

While down at Live Oak last weekend, I got to enjoy the sweet sounds of The Sweetback Sisters, an extraordinary New York-based country swing band, which plays Friday, June 25 at 8 p.m. in Painted Sky Studios as part of their first western States tour. When the band’s management contacted Steve Crimmel to see if he’d book them, it took all of about one minute listening to their music on their website for him to call back and say, “You bet, I’ll book them.” They’ve appeared on A Prairie Home Companion and played plenty of festivals back east. See what all the fuss is about by calling 927-8330 for $18 tickets, or buy them up at Boo Boo’s or the Cambria Business Center.

Babylon Saints return to the Frog and Peach this Friday, June 25, at 10 p.m. for an encore engagement. “Our debut release with Citation Records has really helped put us on and all over the map,” said frontman Matt Gerovac. “We’ll be touring the U.S. in June and July, doing it completely on our own—self-managed, self-booked, and self-promoted—starting in SLO. Through all our work and with a little help from Citation Records, we’ve even been getting some sporadic radio play—everywhere from Oregon to Puerto Rico to the U.K. So, kind of random, but it’s all positive.”

• PHOTO COURTESY OF POOR MAN’S POISON
• DRINK UP! : Poor Man’s Poison plays two shows this week: The Clubhouse on June 25 and Mr. Rick’s on June 26.

• PHOTO COURTESY OF MATT SAYLES
• A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN : The oldest bar in the county, San Miguel’s Elkhorn, is about to get its most well-matched entertainer in Matt Sayles, a Mid-Western born and bred folk artist whose confident picking, narratives tales of love and loss, and dusty voice will transport the storied bar to its days of yore; on June 26.

• PHOTO COURTESY OF VALERIE CARDILL
• SHE’LL SEND YOU : Celtic harpist Valerie Cardill and her lovely, lilting, ethereal voice and dulcet harp sounds will transport you to a magic place where all your cares will melt away, June 27 at Coalesce Bookstore.

On Sunday, June 27, N.Y.C pianist Cecilia Coleman appears at the Famous Jazz Artist Series at the Hamlet in Cambria. Coleman, regarded as one of the East Coast’s leading jazz piano artists due to her many award-winning recordings, will be joined by two outstanding Central Coast players, Dylan Johnson on bass and Darrell Voss on drums. Series co-producers Charlie and Sandi Shoemake (vibraphone and vocals) will also be on hand. There’s a 4 p.m. set for $15, a 7:15 p.m. set for $12, or see both for $20. Call 927-0567 for reservations.

• PHOTO COURTESY OF JENN HAASE
• NEW TO TOWN L.A. : scene maker and recent SLO Town transplant Jenn Haase will show off her chops on June 29 at The Clubhouse when she’s the featured performer during the songwriter’s showcase.

• PHOTO COURTESY OF BLACK STING
• DO STAND SO CLOSE TO ME! : Police tribute band Black Sting hits Frog and Peach on July 1, delivering an evening of classic ska-influenced Police songs.

 Soundcheck!

Soundcheck—the Central Coast’s only all-inclusive music resource—is coming out again in August, and we’re working on updating our listings. If you didn’t make last year’s issue, send your info (band/artist name, genre(s), contact name and phone number/email, URL if you have it, and a brief (50 words or fewer) description of your band to soundcheck@newtimesslo.com. You can also submit a high-resolution photo (at least 4 inches by 6 inches, 200 dpi) for possible inclusion. If you’re a music-related business, music teacher, promoter, record label, venue, club, festival, etc., we want your info too. This year Soundcheck will also include artists and businesses from northern Santa Barbara County.

Keep up with Glen Starkey via twitter at twitter.com/glenstarkey, friend him at Myspace.com/glenstarkey, or contact him at gstarkey@newtimesslo.com.