Well, I guess this is probably it for me, my last column. You see, by the time you’re reading this, I’m going to be $1.5 billion richer. That’s right, readers, I bought a Powerball ticket, and if you think for one minute I’m not going to quit this job and spend the rest of my days taking milk baths and getting hot stone massages, you’re higher than my cholesterol, which I’ll fix with my new private French chef Pierre who’ll make me delicious but healthy cuisine recommended by my private trainer Hans. 

I’ll be summering in the Hamptons, helicopter skiing in Aspen, snorkeling in the Virgin Islands, spelunking in Argentina, and traveling by private train through Asia. And when I’m not doing that stuff, I’ll be partying on my yacht with my new celebrity friends or hanging out in my huge Italian villa trying to decide what priceless Van Gogh to buy next between drinking bottles of rare 100-year-old cabernet.

When I feel like listening to Prince, I’ll just call him up and hire him to play a private concert at Madison Square Garden, which I’ll rent out and give tickets to all the homeless people I see because I’m a real humanitarian. I may even buy a Big Mac for every man, woman, and child in America, because with $1.5 billion, I can. I’ll tell you what I’m not going to be doing: worrying about the petty politics of SLO County.

Yep, I won’t waste one more brain cell thinking about Arroyo Grande Mayor Jim Hill and Councilmember Tim Brown’s ongoing spat with their City Manager Dianne Thompson and her staff, who according to the city’s insurance company may have a legal claim against Hill and/or Brown for their purportedly abusive language toward their underlings.

I guess basic criticism is considered harassment to the California Joint Powers Insurance Authority, which sent a letter to Hill and requested a follow-up phone call to show the mayor the “right” way to interact with staff. Apparently, you can’t just tell staff they need to do a better job, or they need to add an item to the meeting agenda, or that the wet-behind-her-ears city manager needs to learn her job—that creates a hostile work environment. I’ll be way too busy working on my tan to worry about Arroyo Grande sensitivity training.

I also won’t be worrying about medical marijuana patients or how Morro Bay, like one city after another in SLO County, recently decided to ban cultivation of medicine. At its Jan. 12 6 p.m. City Council meeting, Morro Bay finally got around to talking about marijuana policy at 12:45 a.m., long after any sensible medical marijuana patient had gone to bed. What do I care? I’ll be vacationing in Amsterdam, visiting “coffee shops” and sampling high-end hybrids like “Strawberry Cough,” “Trainwreck,” and “Alaskan Thunderfuck.” And yes, I’ll be getting some edibles “to go” because I don’t have to go to work tomorrow because I’m a freakin’ billionaire—a super stoned billionaire.

I definitely won’t care one bit about local political troll and CalCoastNews contributor Kevin Rice and his sad attempt to trap 3rd District Supervisor Adam Hill in a “Lincoln-Douglas style debate” he’s scheduled for Jan. 28 at the Avila Beach Community Center. Rice invited all three candidates for Hill’s District 3 seat to engage in an un-moderated debate: “It is believed this raw format will stimulate unvarnished, organic discourse sorely lacking in moderated candidate forums,” Rice’s invitation read.

Hill, who in case you didn’t know isn’t a fool, responded thusly: “While Supervisor Adam Hill enjoys a robust discussion about the issues, the ‘free for all’ format combined with excessive partisanship and personal attacks demonstrated by Mr. Rice in the past aren’t conducive to creating an environment in which a meaningful discussion can be had.”

Hill followed up that statement with another press release providing ample evidence of Rice’s long-running smear campaign against Hill, saying in an email, “I won’t be participating in this farce.”

Too bad, because my Feb. 4 column would have pretty much written itself if Hill had decided to engage in this slugfest. Now the debate’s going to be boring.

Maybe the other two candidates—Debbie Peterson and Dan Carpenter—can debate who thinks Kevin Rice is smarter and better looking. Hey Rice, we get it! You hate Adam Hill! You love COLAB! I won’t be thinking about any of this from my private beach bungalow in Barbados, where I’ll be spearfishing and drinking expensive sake as my private sushi chef I had flown in from Tokyo prepares my afternoon snack.

Nope, I won’t miss one minute of these petty shenanigans. I’ll be too busy living the dream!

Of course, just in case my 292.2 million-to-one shot doesn’t pay off, and I’m not a super stoned freakin’ billionaire, I’ll see you next week. Yes, I’ll be a little depressed, but I’m sure the movers and shakers of SLO County will continue to do stupid stuff and make this job easier than an afternoon nap.  

The Shredder may buy another Powerball ticket next week. Send ideas and comments to [email protected].