Opinion » Street Talk

Look what the cat drug in

Hey, did you miss me? Aw, what am I saying? Of course you did. Everyone misses me when I’m gone. Even me. I miss myself. Sometimes I miss myself so bad, I find an old shirt of mine and sleep with it next to me, just so I can wake up to the smell of myself as if I was still really there. Ah, me.

The more I think about me, the more I realize that I’m best when I’m around, which certainly wasn’t last week. I was gone. You noticed, right? I mean, those of you who picked up the paper noticed, right? I expect that you readers who wouldn’t touch last week’s issue with a 10-foot pole and a presidential order didn’t notice whether I was here or not, but you’re probably not reading this now either because you hate New Times for printing trash, so I don’t know why I’m rattling on. Well, I do like the sound of my voice. Even in print.

My absence, if you must know, was a strike. I was not, as some have speculated, staying out of town until the furor died or the Fuhrer died or whatever. I was deliberately keeping myself out of New Times after that horrible meth story ran. As soon as I saw that recipe and all those ingredients, I knew there would be trouble.“No one’s going to read my column this week!� I told myself.I nodded knowingly and showed myself some sympathy.

“Everyone’s going to get so caught up in the sensational and salacious details of this scandalous story, not one reader is going to flip all the way back to little old me,� I said. To me. And it’s true. I was out-sensationalized. Nobody remembers what I wrote about the week that the awful meth story ran. Do you? I have half a mind to just reprint the whole thing again here, except for one small, teensy little thing. In that very same column, I blasted TribuneLocal News Director Silas Lyons for bowing and scraping and apologizing for doing his job and printing news.

Then, a week later, New Times goes and does the same thing, saying “We apologize.� and “This is why we did it.� and “Please don’t hurt us! We have families!�It’s sort of hard to eat with my foot in my mouth, but fortunately, crow tastes like chicken. Actually, that may be my foot. I haven’t washed it in a while.Also, it wasn’t my idea to run an explanation article. Of course, it wasn’t my idea to run the meth recipe in the first place either, despite what some of you are doubtlessly thinking.

I like to be the edgiest thing in this rag, so I’ve got nothing to gain from anybody else pushing envelopes.So anyway, instead of getting more than my fair share of attention for a superbly crafted piece of Shredder brilliance, I got muscled aside and left in the gutter along with the rest of the stuff that probably wasn’t that bad in the Feb. 2 issue.

All because some hotshot editor decided that San Luis Obispo readers might want to know every intimate detail about how meth is made.Editor Jim Mullin is new to this area, so he doesn’t know you all like I do, which is to say that he was willing to believe the best of you. He trusted you with this information. Sap.Having shared the same general geographic confines with the lot of you for longer than I care to remember, I could’ve told him (had he asked) that there are one or two (or more) of you out there who’ve fried just enough brain cells surfing or toking or inhaling ATV fumes or cramming for finals that you just might think trying the recipe for yourself was a good idea.In case you crawled under a rock when you first saw the “Meth Made Easy� headline and are just coming back out now, let me fill you in on what’s happened since.

The fallout has been so bad, people are cursing me to my face, and since nobody really knows what I look like, that’s a problem.You know it’s bad when readers won’t even stoop to lining their birdcages with the paper you write for. I heard that a few people did grudgingly tuck a copy of New Times underneath their parakeets, and the little birds just crossed their legs and held it in. It’s that bad.I saw somebody using a New Times rack as a urinal the other day.

I couldn’t figure out if he was making a political statement or he was just a transient passing through and unfamiliar with the look of public restrooms in San Luis Obispo County. Either way, it doesn’t make the paper look good, but it’s kind of hard to say that when the paper’s not even making itself look good.I have a great suggestion for what would make this paper look even better: Put me on the cover every week. Also, give me a raise.

A big one. I’ve never printed a step-by-step manual on how to make a deadly, cheap drug. Compared to that story, I’m as vanilla as one-third of a scoop of  Neapolitan. Of course, I don’t expect any of my higher ups to take this seriously. Hey, I just work

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