Editor’s warning: You probably shouldn’t let your kids read this Shredder, or if you’re sensitive, you shouldn’t read it either. It’s got sexy-time talk in it. Thanks, Target!
Between making national news for being the happiest place to live, having the best public university in the West, or our great quirky landmarks such as the Madonna Inn and Bubblegum Alley, we also occasionally make news for our weird sexual kerfuffles.
Remember the Cal Poly Library butt sniffer who snuck around smelling sleeping students’ butts? Mmm. Butt. How about the guy in the rain poncho hiding in the women’s latrine in Montaña de Oro who enjoyed getting shat on? Mmm. Poop. Definitely some of our proudest moments! Well, we’re at it again with the sexy time explosion! And we’re in the national news for it! Yay!
Yes, the sound of love was in the air at the SLO Target on July 10, and we made the national news in Harper’s Magazine in their July 14 “Weekly Review,” a compilation of strange news and its often ironic juxtaposition.
“At a Target in San Luis Obispo, the PA system played an audio track of pornography,” the monthly magazine mentioned between a notice about an Orlando woman charged with aggravated stalking for “playing loud workout music on repeat to annoy her neighbor” and another notice about a volunteer assistant softball coach “charged with sending under-age girls sexually explicit images via text.”
Yeah, we’re in good company. Woo hoo! Happiest place on Earth indeed.
When Target employees couldn’t figure out how to shut off the PA system, they eventually just evacuated the store. I can’t help but wonder what effect the soundtrack had on shoppers. Was there a run on K-Y® Jelly and Kleenex® Brand Tissues?
“Clean up in aisle three!”
Of course, considering the recent news week, it could have been worse. We’ve had all kinds of local dummies doing national newsworthy dumb stuff.
Look out for lethargic and disoriented wildlife in search of Cheetos® in the North County! The 150-acre Deer Fire near the southern end of Lake Nacimiento seems to be the result of human activity at a 1.5-acre illegal marijuana growing operation. Some of the crop burned in the fire. Pizza orders from surrounding homes were reportedly above normal, probably.
Thankfully, none of the firefighters reported getting a contact high; however, one firefighter suffered about 60 bee stings after coming across a hive. Those. Damn. Stoners!
Then there’s Lacey Fowler, the former Cuesta College human resources employee who was nabbed for accessing the school’s computer system to steal sensitive data. When the authorities showed up at her Paso Robles home, they discovered heroin and meth packaged for sale in her shed, and they also charged her with battery of a spouse, violating a restraining order, and being under the influence of a controlled substance.
Gee, she seems nice.
After posting bail (goodbye, someone’s $100K), she skipped her court date but was spotted in Paso on Monday, July 13, by a tipster who called the police. When the cops arrived, she was discovered hiding near a vehicle. To top it off, she then resisted arrest by—according to a police press release—“attempting to strike the officer with an elbow.” The car was impounded, a search warrant was procured, and three more grams of meth were discovered. Meth! It’s what’s for breakfast! Super elbow power! Ka-pow!
Since she seems to be on the outs with her spouse, I have a suggestion. I think Fowler, 29, would make a nice match with 26-year-old Morro Bay man Joshua Ryan Meissner, who police arrested for shattering business windows with metal ball bearings fired from a Wrist Rocket®, which they probably sell at Target, by the way. What are you, Meissner, a 10-year-old? Pick up a brick like an adult! He allegedly caused more than $20,000 in damage to banks and businesses in SLO, not to mention a Morro Bay police station and police cruiser. He’s being held on $2,500 bond. Chump change compared to the more than $900K Fowler’s now being held on.
Meissner seems like an especially sharp tack, doesn’t he? Banks? A police station? Does he not realize there are cameras everywhere? The final nail in his coffin was when a witness saw him shooting a bearing through Chase Bank in Morro Bay and recorded his vehicle license number. Police stopped him and discovered a bag of ball bearings and two high-powered slingshots, and maybe some Pop Rocks® and Mountain Dew®. Seems probable, anyway. “Do the Dew!”
Aren’t they a match made in heaven? Just imagine the wee Meissner-Fowler offspring? Little Mensa Society members in the making, no doubt. After Meissner and Fowler get out of jail, the new couple can head over to Target to set the mood.
“I want you to f#*@ my f#*@ing p#**% hole,” said the female ‘star’ of the porn track playing at Target, which continued for the next 15 to 20 minutes.
So charming! Just like When Harry Met Sally, am I right? Makes me want to go shopping right now and afterward enjoy a cigarette. Ah, romance, you’re in the air. Stay classy, San Luis Obispo!
The Shredder is a little matchmaker! Send ideas and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.