Opinion » Shredder

Newsflash: 2015 will suck, too

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I’m continuing my annual tradition of predictions for next year, so in a year’s time I’ll either get to tell you all I told you so or, more likely, forget everything I said and repeat it in another set of predictions for 2016. So here are the things that are probably going to happen next year, in no particular order. *Bear in mind that Shredder is not a professional clairvoyant, and any predictions were either the result of an alcohol-induced coma or dream while napping at work. Any predictions that come true are the property of Shredder. Any that do not should be blamed on Obama.*

Without further ado:

The iPhone 7 will be released with a built-in app that messages all your contacts to inform them that you won’t be paying attention to them anymore.

Two adults are going to have consensual sex—maybe—and an entire community is going to flip its collective shit online and state authoritatively that San Luis Obispo County is hands down the most corrupt county in the nation. Nay! The world! Suck it, Chicago and Russia.

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White people will come up with ever more infuriating first-world problems—like insisting that the presence of college students is decreasing the value of their $800,000 two-bedroom home.

I’m going to take my first trip to Cuba where my behavior will be sufficiently crude to spawn a new Cold War and/or international missile crisis. So if you’re planning on visiting Cuba, try to get there ahead of me.

The Curiosity Rover will discover water on Mars, which will soon be declared the new Napa. Within one year of that, the planet will be covered in vineyards, and one year later we’ll be forced to declare a drought on Mars.

North Korea will continue to incarcerate, torture, and execute its own people. The U.S. will declare war on North Korea for messing with Hollywood. “It’s one thing to create death camps we all know about. But no one messes with Seth and James,” Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel will say in an official press release.

Unicorn hair will become legal tender.

None of the United States politicians who authorized the use of torture on men who were never charged or convicted of any crime will go to trial. The United States will continue to condemn torture internationally and praise “enhanced interrogation” back at home.  

A Cal Poly fraternity will be associated with a scandal involving either rape, underage drinking, or hazing, and the community’s going to be too tired of feigning shock and outrage to respond.

Inspired by BuzzFeed, New Times will release nothing but top 10 lists, and our readership will skyrocket.

Unicorn feces will replace nuclear power.

Public Affairs officials with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission will stop offering Tribune reporter David Sneed exclusives and just give him a job. 

Kevin Rice will attempt to seduce Grover Beach Mayor John Shoals with a romantic starlit ATV ride in the dunes and be rebuffed because, “Dude, I’m just not that into you.” Rice will then spend the next two years creating unsettling homemade videos outside Shoals’ home and place of business.

Lynn Compton will begin her next round of fundraising with an auction of a pesticide canister law enforcement can use if civilians get too uppity, an endangered animal home makeover with real leopard print everything, and your own personal homeless butler for a week.

SLO will pass an ordinance on personal hygiene and behavior modeled after the standards for NFL cheerleaders. Mayor Jan Marx will be particularly inspired by this passage from the Buffalo Bills cheerleader handbook: “When menstruating, use a product that [sic] right for your menstrual flow. A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus. A product left in too long can cause bacteria or fungus build up. Products can be changed at least every 4 hours. Except when sleeping, they can be left in for the night.”

 

Shredder’s New Year’s resolution is to go viral. Send suggestions to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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