I’m not sure if I should cry, throw up, scream, or tell myself it’s just a dream. This is not about the presidential election, by the way. This is about the fact that the electricity in the building stopped working. How am I going to shred the news today if I can’t get the juice I need?
Oops. Just kidding. This is totally about the election.
The Bad Hombre who’s filed for bankruptcy; has several lawsuits filed against him; is under investigation for fraud; lies blatantly, regularly, and publically; and has a penchant for “politically incorrect” language (read racist, xenophobic, sexist, ad infinitum) is our next president. Better get ready to scrub down the walls of the Oval Office, the mixture of bad spray tan and bullshit might stain the walls in perpetuity.
The Nasty Woman can take her qualifications and 30-years’ worth of politicking experience to her grandkid’s next birthday party—which she can now enjoy without listening to political pundits screaming about her email server. That glass ceiling may be cracked, but it’s holding firm. With the Clintons gone and Obama out of office, who the hell is right-wing media going to tell conspiracy lies about?
I guess you can look at it in several ways:
“Sweet, now white people can make America bland again!”
“I don’t understand.”
Me neither, dude.
“Finally, this country can look at itself for what it really is.”
I’ll get back to you on that one.
“Oh my God. I’m so embarrassed with my country!”
Yeah, yeah. Get over it.
“Oh my God. I’m moving to Canada.”
Speaking of Canada, our friend Gina Lutz-Dones, aka @BlingItOnBabe, is really hoping the New Times staff is heading that direction right now. She even said she’d buy our plane tickets! And she said it on Facebook, so it’s like a signed contract: Very official. That’s $500 per ticket to fly from San Luis Obispo to Vancouver, B.C., on Nov. 11. Multiply that by at least nine. We will definitely need that check by today, please. And no take-backsies!
The apparently diamond-encrusted Twitter fiend Lutz-Dones, who tried to start a hashtag #BoycottRyahCooley after New Times published Arts Editor Ryah Cooley’s story about political art on Oct. 6, assumed that our staff would leave if Donald Trump won the presidency because of the way Cooley signed off in her tagline. Cooley said we would head to Canada depending on the outcome of the election. (If you missed it, don’t worry, The Tribune’s Sarah Linn published a strikingly similar story in the Sunday, Nov. 6, issue—the same artists, the same artwork, and everything. Whew, that must have been a lot of work. No, really, we’re flattered.)
Well, thank God that woman lost, because I would have lost all respect for this country with a female at the helm. Now we can stay safe—as long as we’re Christian, white, straight, non-immigrant, males. What about disgruntled office appliances? Do I count?
Sorry to say it, my gem-wearing friend, but America needs news organizations like New Times now more than ever. You can’t get rid of us that easily. Someone’s got to balance out all the people you perpetually agree with on Twitter. And whatever happened to America’s ability to take a joke. Geez, people. Ya’ll are crazy.
Maybe people need to get off their liberal and conservative asses and actually go talk to each other instead of talking to themselves all the time. It’s like totally clueless people run both of our parties. Clearly, they’re out of touch with the reality of American opinion. Clearly, so is everyone on Facebook and Twitter. And clearly, (cringe) so is the majority of mainstream media. Damn you, you ruined everything!
Instead of calling your fellow countrymen uneducated, deplorable, and idiotic, maybe you should try to understand people who don’t agree with you; you know, listen to them, empathize with their point of view. See the world through their eyes, for a change, instead of constantly having your perception of reality repeated over and over and over and over. Yuck! Now I want to throw up!
Ooh. Maybe I can smoke some weed. I hear that’s good for nausea. And it’s legal as of Nov. 10 thanks to Proposition 64! California will always be California.
I’m so sick of partisan crap. We apparently need a colonoscopy. No one in the country identifies purely as a Democrat or as a Republican. So much more exists! Can’t you see it?
I guess not.
That’s why with all this talk of changing the establishment, SLO County chose to put incumbents back in their seats. All those robocalls bashing 3rd District SLO County Supervisor Adam Hill and the opinion letters lambasting the way he treats his detractors were for naught. All the back-and-forth about SLO city’s rental inspection ordinance and Mayor Jan Marx ignoring the disenfranchised youth was for nothing.
Young Nic Mattson challenged Atascadero Mayor Tom O’Malley, who’s been on the City Council since 2002 and toes the line between legal and ethical when it comes to conflicts of interest, to no avail.
The not-so-civil mayor of Arroyo Grande, Jim Hill, held firmly to his seat at the helm of the city, despite calls for more civility. Coastal Commissioner Erik Howell, who came under fire for conflicts of interest with lobbyists—and very recently for alleged campaign sign stealing—kept his seat on the Pismo Beach City Council.
The Shredder is already gearing up for the next election, as is every political operative within sight. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.