Does anyone have an inflatable donut I can sit on? I knew last week’s mention of the Los Osos sewer issue would generate some backlash, but damned if the barrage of livid responses hasn’t left me a little looser, if you know what I mean. I didn’t even need to drink my first cup of coffee to get things going this morning.

 

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the e-mails fired at me:

 

Lisa Schicker: “Not you, too, just like the TT??. I know you might be tired of this, but I suggest that perhaps you are tired of it for the wrong reasons.”

 

Piper Reilly: “It is so sad that no one seems to have the balls in this County to bother to investigate the truth …”

 

And my favorite, from Gail McPherson: “What’s wrong with the press today?”

 

If you’ll recall, last week I called the vocal bunch from Los Osos “Los Osos Nuts,” which seemed to be my undoing. Then again, the rest of those column inches reiterated how pleas to county officials about government corruption and contract rigging have produced nothing. Yet the same citizens repeatedly bring the same complaints to the same officials.

 

Albert Einstein once said, “Shut up out there! I’m trying to think!” But that doesn’t have much to do with this topic. He also said, more relevantly, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Yes, I used the word “nuts,” but mostly to drag along another column about a nut-sniffing dog I can’t stop snickering about.

 

I did manage to stop chuckling long enough, however, to pen last week’s piece, which apparently wasn’t heavy handed enough in pointing out how asking government to watchdog government is about as good as asking a room full of kindergartners to police themselves after asking them not to eat the chocolate-chip cookies lying in a pile in the middle of the room.

 

No dice

 

It took a while, but I’m finally convinced. President Barack Obama is a failure of a man: He can’t even muster the chutzpah to bring the 2016 Summer Olympics our way. He and his wife went together in an unprecedented show of presidential desire to watch people jump over stuff and throw things in his hometown of Chicago, but lost to Rio de Janeiro. Rio? Are you kidding me? That’s like the New Orleans of the world—or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, it’s ridiculous. You can’t run fast with a bunch of beads bouncing in your face. Sure, going topless will offset some of the added weight and friction, but it’s not enough.

 

OK, so it’s not really a big deal—just kind of a bummer. But don’t think for a minute this little tidbit didn’t titillate the punditry, who were quick to sum up the president’s career based on his failure to snag the summer games.

 

Personally, I wouldn’t care if Obama had trouble persuading the Special Olympics committee to stay within U.S. borders. (There’s always at least one event held in his home state, so kindly put down your pens to write angry letters.) If an Obama recommendation failed to land someone a job, I might be dissuaded. But he shouldn’t have been able to sway where the games are held just by showing up anymore than should Kim Jong-il—although North Korea’s forcibly organized half-time shows would be spectacular.

 

More yellow journalism

 

This last bit has no particular news relevance, but I have to mention it anyway. So I was nearby a church the other night when these two teenage girls hopped out of their car. One of them turns to the other and says, “That’s a great outfit. You’re looking sexy, girl. Hotttt.”

 

Responded the other: “Thanks. Hey, do you have my Bible?”

 

Then they headed inside the church.

 

More non-news and shameless plugs—sort of. If you’ve been at the SLO Farmers Market lately, you’ve probably noticed the flash mobs and other tomfoolery. Or would it be shenanigans? I’m trying to think of the best KSBY-style descriptor.

 

Voted “Best Local News Source” by New Times’ own readers, KSBY sent a camera to a recent event to capture the wacky goings on when a bunch of people collectively sang Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” while roaming through the crowd. It was hard to find the online clip on the station’s site, but after slogging through a collection of stories about “cat-poo coffee” and a dog that wears braces, I turned up the video.

 

The anchor said, “A local group hopes to bring laughter into the community by staging unexpected events.” That’s as detailed as the report got: “a local group.” I hear they selectively edited out the name of the group, which is New Art Collective, and really, any mention about the artistic side of the event beyond it being a goofy band of pranksters. The anchor even did that annoying thing with his voice where it goes up in pitch like he’s asking questions. I can’t be the only one who cringed. It’s not as though a week or two back New Times arts editor and flash-mob organizer Ashley Schwellenbach wrote an arts cover story so long I passed out on the toilet before finishing it.

 

Wait, she did. Maybe the folks over there on the hill didn’t see it as art.

Or maybe they’re all Rush fans.

 

Send your artistic renderings of the shredder to  [email protected].