What the hell is going on? Everyone is losing their damn minds. Adults are acting like toddlers, throwing temper tantrums in public.
But because they're adults, they can also multitask!
They also act like teenagers, talking smack about everyone who thinks differently than them. Welcome to SLO County High School, folks, where you can yell at a store manager for doing their job on any day of the damn week you'd like, have a ribbon fight with your fellow city residents just for giggles, and be an asshole to people who disagree with you, because why the hell not? This is America, dammit, and we have the First Amendment to protect our big mouths when we stick our small feet inside of them.
You won't find this high school's cliques on campus. But you can find them on Facebook! Because that's where the real adults meet to conversate and create their own truths.
Don't want to wear a face mask? There's a Facebook group for that! Yes! You can find a link to the "Freedom to Breathe Agency," which peddles PDFs of fake Americans with Disabilities Act cards for you to wave in everyone's face! You can claim to have a disability you don't actually have to get out of wearing a face mask in a business and no one can question you. Plus, it's a great excuse to yell at someone for doing their job! The cards come complete with spelling mistakes, and you also get access to a form you can fill out and send to the U.S. Department of Justice if someone doesn't accept the fake card you presented to them for your fake disability! It's totally awesome.
You can also call out these businesses that gave you a hard time on the Reopen San Luis Obispo County Facebook page. Just make a list and post it! This is the only way to truly show business owners that if they don't agree with your perspective, they should go out of business! Down with the fake pandemic! Long live King Donald Trump!
Don't like protesters and think that they shouldn't be able to practice their right to free speech in your goddamn town? Great! You can yell and scream about liberals, the media, and Black Lives Matter being members of antifa and trying to turn your country into a burned down socialist dictatorship. And no one will even question it! Yay!
Ask to join a Facebook group near you. Protect Paso Robles, Protect Five Cities, Protect Atascadero, and Protect Santa Maria are available and taking new group members. Plus, it's free! And as an added bonus, you can dive even deeper into dehumanizing the people you share a city with. You'll love it! I can guarantee it.
Think people shouldn't be speaking out against the Black Lives Matter movement? Do you think they should get in line? Get with the times? Be politically correct in only the way that you see fit? Do you think that blue lives don't matter? That it's your side or no side?
You bet SLO County Protest Watch has got your back! You can name names, dox the haters, and anti-protest the anti-protesters. Follow them wherever they go so they know you're watching. You won't tolerate the intolerance in your neighborhood! You can try to get people fired and close down their businesses. It's such a healthy outlet for all of your problems. Get that anger out! Tell those racists to get out the hell out of your town!
And don't worry, you too can benefit from that added bonus of continuing to dehumanize your fellow residents! It'll make you feel better about yourself! I promise.
Just to prove how awesome further separating yourself from people who think differently from you really can be, let's talk ribbons. The drama was intense, so prepare to be incensed!
It all happened in Grover Beach and Arroyo Grande—a showdown between Facebook cliques. Protect Five Cities versus SLO County Protest Watch. Protectors tied blue ribbons around trees in support of the four police officers wounded in Paso Robles during the two-day manhunt for and shootout with Mason James Lira.
Blue ribbons out on the town! Oh my heavens.
"Not in our town!" Protest Watchers cried. "It's anti-Black Lives Matter!"
So, they put up multi-colored ribbons to drown out the blue and support Pride Month. That'll show them!
"What?" Protectors cried. "They're co-opting our support with their support!"
So Protectors took scissors to those colorful ribbons, and Watchers accused them of being hateful. Each posted videos of the other. Opposing sides confronted each other in the streets! Death threats were lobbed!
Yeah, it's not like we could share these public spaces or anything! It's one or the other. You either support police or Pride. You can't do both!
Things got so out of hand that Grover Beach City Manager Matt Bronson had to step in and tell everyone to take their ribbons down off of city-owned property.
If you can't play like nice adults, you can't play at all!
See, this is why we can't have nice things: you know, like a civilized democracy where people work through their problems like adults instead of yelling at each other from both sides of a camera. Δ
The Shredder is over your attitude! Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.