Mystery solved, everybody! It was just savior of the common citizen Kevin P. Rice, an über-conservative goddamn American hero, who used satire (and racism, sexism, and bigotry) to raise awareness of the evils of racism, sexism, bigotry, and bullying ... by ... wait for it ... being a bully himself! Ta-da! For his next trick, Rice will contort logic into a twisted pretzel of projection and gaslighting!
Frankly, in all my conjecture about who the mad robocaller was last week, I can't believe I didn't guess it was Rice-a-chonies. Maybe I didn't think of the former local gadfly "Pee"-Rice because he doesn't live here anymore. But thank god the Kern County resident still cares enough about SLO County to help us from afar by interfering in our election by placing those pathetic robocalls with the Southern-accented Ku Klux Klan-endorsed woman encouraging everyone to re-elect 3rd District Supervisor Adam Hill, who—according to the call—would save SLO County from "lesbian," "homosexual," "sum-bitch perverts," and keep SLO "straight again."
Thankfully, Kev has Rice-splained how stupid we were for thinking Hill, his opponent Stacy Korsgaden, and their various supporters were actually upset. Obviously Rice was only using humor to raise awareness of a serious issue, right?
"Isn't it time the attacks on women, gays, and others, coming from an elected official, end?" Rice wrote in an emailed press release. "It is a sad day when Progressives who purport to stand with women and the LGBTQ+ community support a bigoted, homophobic bully.
"It's time you speak up," Rice continued. "Everyone. If you have been bullied, intimidated, or threatened, you have a duty to your community to speak out. Do it now. Stand up. #MeTooSLO."
Let me translate: "Even though Korsgaden was the candidate slinging mud in the race, let's pretend Hill is an avowed homophobe so I can attack him. Also, it's perfectly OK for me to use racist, homophobic clichés to smear Hill even though he never mentioned Korsgaden's sexual orientation. #NotMeSLO."
Sorry, Pea-brain Rice, but your attempt to rationalize your sick and twisted robocalls isn't working, and your apology—"I apologize to anyone who misunderstood my message or took offense. Most people understood it, while some twisted it for political ends"—is utter bullshit. We didn't "misunderstand" it, and you can't "twist" out of culpability for its reprehensibly slanderous message. Here's an idea! Stay in Kern County and out of our politics.
Worse still, did those robocalls work? It's too early to tell the winner, but, as I write this, Korsgaden is currently leading Hill 51 percent to 49 percent! Of course, that could change. Korsgaden ran as a Republican, and they love to vote early by mail, while Democrats like to show up at the polls. The count continues!
I will say this: If Korsgaden wins, 2nd District Supervisor Bruce Gibson is going to be mighty lonely at Board of Supervisors' meetings as the sole liberal voice. If you're thinking, "Hey, maybe challenger Ellen Beraud will unseat 5th District Supervisor Debbie Arnold or opponent Stephanie Shakofsky will best 1st District Supervisor John Peschong," well, ha ha ha! The joke's on you.
Hey, Santa Margarita! Maybe you'll get that unwanted rock quarry shoved down your throats after all! Hey, all you hippy pot farmers! Prepare for your legal work to get a whole lot harder to do!
The good news is if the Republicans take over, we won't have to pay those pesky taxes anymore because they don't think they should have to pay for services like, you know, firefighters and stuff. We'll all live in their "tax is theft" utopia. You see, it's not looking good for Measure A-20, the Oceano Emergency/Fire Services Special Tax that requires two-thirds of votes to pass. As I write this, it has 63 percent "yes" votes, which is 3 percent below the needed 66.6 satanic percent needed to pass. No worries, Oceano! I'm sure someone will show up eventually to put out your fires. Maybe you and your fellow citizens can start a bucket brigade!
Also, children, please get used to your asbestos- and lead-paint-laden schools because it's not looking good for Proposition 13, the unfortunately named school bond designed to upgrade schools in California. Just settle into your poorly ventilated prefab "temporary" classrooms. Just keep covering their interior walls with construction paper anti-bullying posters. We wouldn't want you to grow up to be like Kevin P. Rice: self-important and clueless.
And SLO Town housing fans, despite the protestations of the newly formed citizen group San Luis Architectural Preservation, you're still getting new housing downtown. Yay! Despite their arguments that a new four-story stucco and faux-brick development in between Higuera and Marsh streets doesn't fit in with nearby historic houses like The Jack House and Gardens, The Pollard House, and The Norcross House, you'll still be able to rent one of the 39 market-rate apartments.
What is "market-rate" these days? I'm guessing $2K for a one-bedroom and $3K for a two-bedroom. Keep building, SLO! The market's far from saturated. If you need me, I'll be in my cardboard box under the overpass. Δ
The Shredder put the bully into BS. Send ideas and comments to email@example.com.