Anybody know who's president-elect? SLO County District Attorney Dan Dow says he knows a dude who knows.
"The outcome of the election will not be a surprise to God," Dow posted on his Facebook page. "He is already there in the future. So, there is no need to worry or be anxious." Underneath Dow's proclamation was a meme of a pier at sunset overlaid with a verse from Philippians 4:6, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."
OK! Dear God, please explain separation of church and state to Dow and help him understand how divisive he's being. Remind him that not all his constituents share his Christian faith, and when they see him flouting state health mandates by announcing that SLO County is a "sanctuary county for worship and praise in church" or posting Bible verses to social media, it makes some of us wonder if, as the chief law enforcement official in the county, he's committed to following the law or following his own personal ideology.
Also, God, while I've got you on the line, please explain to all of us your behavior. You're omniscient, right? So you know everything. You know even before we're born whether we'll be good and worthy of heaven or bad and sent to hell for eternity. I dunno, but it seems a tad mean that you created us as we are, flaws and all, and that you know some of us will be burning in hell for eternity but you make us anyway. I know you sometimes get pissed off and all. I mean, that worldwide flood was a real bummer, not to mention all the smiting, but the whole hell thing seems really vindictive. Just sayin'.
P.S.—God, if the Cheeto-Bandito manages to win a second term, mark me as OK with smiting him. He's smite-able! No one's more smite-able in the history of smiting. Remember in 1 Kings 20:30 when you made that wall fall and kill 27,000 soldiers retreating from the Israelites? That was some world-class smiting, and there's this wall on our southern border, and ... well, you know where I'm going. You're omniscient! Thanks for all that you do!
Speaking of hypocrites, I keep seeing people losing their shit on social media over so-called Trump Trains, those lines of pickup trucks flying American flags and Trump banners and revving their engines through your neighborhoods while you're trying to read The Atlantic or The New Yorker like a good little left-winger. So you're fine with Black Lives Matter protests shutting down Highway 101 because—FREE SPEECH!—but eight monster truckers roll down your street and you have an online conniption fit? What gives? Hypocrite much?
Also, Trump Train wrecks, go ahead and drive your stupid gas-guzzlers around with your MAGA hats, "I Hate Libtards" bumper stickers, and trailer hitch testicles as much as you want, but when you park your stupid-ass trucks with your pro-Trump banners in front of the Octagon Barn, which is a voting center, now you're guilty of voter intimidation, dumbasses.
I personally like MAGA hats. Makes it easier to spot the fascists and racists! Interestingly, despite SLO County Sheriff Ian Parkinson's earlier pronouncement that SLO County isn't a racist place—that BLM protest were examples of SLO County "being trashed over an issue that is truly not here in that form"—turns out there's now irrefutable proof that SLO County is systemically racist as hell. Lots of SLO County housing deeds still to this very day contain covenants that say, "No persons of any race other than the Caucasian race shall use or occupy any building or any lot, except that this covenant shall not prevent occupancy by domestic servants or a different race domiciled with an owner or tenant."
What the what? Yes, read all about it in "In the system" (p. 8), where you'll discover SLO was designed to put white peeps in power like all the other happy towns around the country. Hopefully despite these racist covenants, which by the way are no longer legally enforceable, thank God (and the Supreme Court), most SLOcals are getting woke. As I write this, only 65 percent of cast votes were tallied, but we're looking like a Biden/Harris county, 59.71 percent to Trump/Pence's 38.22 percent.
It also appears we're supporting Salud Carbajal for another term as the 24th District U.S. Representative. It's a real squeaker between incumbent 35th District State Assemblyperson Jordan Cunningham (50.75 percent) and his challenger Dawn Addis (49.25 percent). It also appears SLO Towners are willing to give the red-rose-festooned another shot at making SLO into a progressive-environmentalist paradise. Mayor Heidi Harmon currently has 53.93 percent of the vote compared to her closest challenger Cherisse Sweeney at 32.28 percent. Nice try, conservatives, but no Republican cigar!
It also looks like Sweeney's alliance with SLO council candidate Abrianna Torres has failed. Torres (16.81 percent) trails incumbent Andrea "Andy" Pease (24.60 percent) and former mayor Jan Howell Marx (20.54 percent). In other election news, did you know there's a Ground Squirrel Hollow Community Services District? Me neither! And get this! Looks like SLO has agreed to raise its sale tax with Measure G-20 (59.61 percent yes). Δ
The Shredder is praying. Send thoughts and prayers to firstname.lastname@example.org.