Opinion » Shredder

Read the First Amendment, dummies

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Politics have become toxic. The left claims the right is racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and misogynist. The right claims the left is intolerant of divergent views, overly politically correct, and squelchers of free speech. Hey guys, you’re both right! Extremism for the win!

I took heat last week for defending SLO High School teacher Michael Stack’s right to voice his misguided opinion about LGBTQ+ students, which apparently makes me a “homophobia apologist” because I believe the First Amendment protects people’s right to express their opinions, no matter how abhorrent.

Sheesh! No wonder those on the right have taken to calling liberals “snowflakes.” They seem to melt when confronted with an opinion they disagree with. If lefties will attack one of their own for not being intolerant of intolerance enough, how will they ever hope to engage in discussion and move their ideology forward? Hey lefties, I also defend your right to be whiny little bitches, but don’t get mad when your opponents call you whiny little bitches.

Well, fire up your wahhhhbulance because the Cal Poly Republicans are prepared to push your highly sensitive buttons once again when they host Canadian alt-right provocateur Lauren Southern to present her “Return of Traditional Women” talk on May 25 at Cal Poly’s Fisher Science, room 286, from 7 to 9 p.m.

These Republican kids know how to wield hyperbole! On their Facebook page, they wrote regarding Southern’s visit that they “will not stand by the wayside as people around the world are brutally attacked for their beliefs.” Um, yeah, because bringing a lightweight conservative speaker to campus is an act of bravery that will protect, say, Coptic Christians in Egypt from being targeted by terrorists, right? You’re not brave; you’re entitled middleclass anti-government hypocrites who are getting an education subsidized by the very government you want to shrink until it’s small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Face it, Cal Poly Republicans, you’re just trying to stir up shit and jump on Fürher Drumpf’s politics-of-division bandwagon, which is fine with me—free speech and all—but first you brought that boring little weasel Milo Yiannopoulos to campus, costing the California State University system and Cal Poly $55,000 in security costs, and now you’ve booked this Ann “Skeletor” Coulter wannabe, a vacant Tomi “The Fizzle” Lahren clone, who’s going to speak about how there’s no rape culture in the West, how “unchecked immigration is a moral eyesore,” and how liberals who need trigger warnings are “overanxious, emotional children with similarly childlike understandings of language and morality.”

Actually, she might be right about the last one, but I digress.

Look, I don’t agree with Charles Krauthammer or Bill Kristol, but at least they’re not shit-stirrers for the sake of shit stirring. Why don’t you bring a conservative public intellectual to campus instead of idiots like Yiannopoulos and Southern? In fact, why don’t you host a debate between a conservative and a liberal? Yeah, you’re right. That would be too instructive. Who wants to listen to adults having a dialogue when we can hear a petite blonde talk about our need to return to the days of traditional women!

Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen! Where’s my martini, woman? Sex on demand! Take care of the kids! Do all the housework! Oh man, the good old days!

“Feminism and ‘female empowerment’ has led to a generation of the least happy women in history,” Southern claims. “They’re lost and are being told that they’re the exact same as men and should be able to compete at the same level in all fields of life. How sad to always fail at something you’re supposed to be equal in. How sad to be led astray to never get married then hit a wall where you wish for nothing more than a family but cannot have it simply because you bought into this false notion of feminism that promised happiness and fulfillment.”

Ladies, I bet you didn’t realize how unhappy you are, amirite? Thank goodness Miss Southern can conservative-womansplain it to your ignorant liberal ass. How in the hell is she going to stretch this “truth nugget” into a two-hour talk?

More importantly, will she be drowned out by the rallying cries of the people who plan to March Against Rape Culture prior to Southern’s talk? They’ll meet in the University Union at 5:30 p.m. and then march to Fisher Science.

Speaking of free speech, former Grover Beach Mayor Rob Arnoldsen totally “gets” it. He appeared at a May 15 City Council meeting to ask the council if they were “whores” for considering allowing medical marijuana businesses to operate in the coastal city.

Arnoldsen said he grew up in Nevada near two “houses of ill-repute” occupied by ladies who “would do anything for money,” and now he lives in a community whose “City Council will do anything for money.”

Councilwoman Mariam Shah didn’t like that, calling Arnoldsen’s query hate speech. Sorry folks, but if it isn’t a threat and it doesn’t incite violence, it’s protected. Get over it, snowflakes.

The Shredder knows hate speech is protected. Send ideas and comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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