Opinion » Shredder

Scroogebags and Grinches

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I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but at least we’re finally getting some rain! Santa came early, all ye cattle wranglers of the Central Coast. The hills might actually get a green tint if this keeps up. 

And, yes, happy cows will once again reside in California. But, there’s a little bit of coal in that sopping-wet stocking as well. For we’ve been naughty and abused our water privileges. SLO County Public Health Services issued a rain advisory for beaches once the water started pouring down. “Ocean water contact activities should be avoided for 72 hours,” the advisory stated, “due to potential increased levels in bacteria.” 

Ummm. Ewww?

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Apparently, all that freshly water-logged runoff (“animal debris,” yummy!) streaming into the ocean isn’t very good for you or your skin. Who wants to swim in a poopy stew of saltwater, fish, oil, and animal feces and remains? Anyone? No? 

OK, I’ll take the rain over swimming in the ocean, but I’ll tell you who should get a 50-pound lump of coal straight to the head from Señor Claus. The Grinchy-Scroogebag(s) that swiped all the toys, gift cards, and love from Elks Club Lodge No. 332 in San Luis Obispo. All that volunteer Christmas cheer meant for the Salvation Army’s Angel Tree children to open on the big day was nabbed on Friday, Dec. 18, by some d-bag—or d-bags—who don’t get hugged enough as adults.

What kind of person thinks that’s a really good idea? I can just see the story now.

Then, the Grinchy-Scroogebag thought of something he hadn’t before. Screw those poor kids with their raggedy clothes. Screw those families with needs on their nose. What do 67 people need any presents for? I’ll steal what’s here so they don’t hope for anything more. 

Lest they partake in an activity that the Grinchy-Scroogebag hates most—unwrapping and clapping with joy on their face. Wouldn’t that be the worst?

So he thought, “Those 67 people should be happy with what they’ve got. This Christmas is about me, I mean, I’m the one who’s hot.” And a stupid toothless elfin’ grin crept across his face with an idea that would get everyone out of that giving place. 

“I’ll take their gift cards, stuffed animals, clothing, and diapers, and maybe I’ll use it to buy myself something nicer. Too bad I’m a selfish, heartless, crusty curmudgeon who needs a good ass-kicking dose to remind me about why Christmastime brings communities close.”

All told, the stupid jerkface raided Angel Tree families of $1,000 worth of goods, but did leave the diapers behind. I guess they think they’re potty trained. And what to his chagrin is happening now? The community rallied and is giving even more to keep Christmas cheer tied up tightly with a big happy bow. 

Then, there’s the guy in Grover Beach who stole a whole lighted Christmas tree from a local business. That was a couple of weeks ago, but really? Who does that? “The suspect was last seen carrying the tree across Grand Ave into the 100 block of South 6th Street with two other people, a man and a woman,” the Grover Beach Police Department’s Facebook page read. So he had accomplices. And they did it in broad daylight. 

Last I checked, the Grover PD hadn’t tracked the dude down yet. 

Here are more Christmas jeers for you: A little farther south in Orcutt, at least 10 cars were burglarized over the nights of Dec. 16 and 17 according to the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Office. Maybe Orcutt is actually the land of holiday humbug, because a couple of days before that, KEYT reported on “Porch pirates preying on holiday packages.” Somebody had fun with that headline! 

Apparently thieves were following delivery trucks, waiting for them to leave packages on doorsteps, and stealing what was deposited on front porches. One lady, Tiffany, posted warning signs on her front door for the UPS, USPS, and FedEx drivers. “PLEASE DO NOT Leave any packages on this porch. Verify someone is home!” read one sign.

“We have someone stealing packages off our porch,” read another.

Tiffany was upset, not about the money, but because it’s Christmas. Because those packages were meant to be given to other people. They were not meant for elves with sticky fingers. 

Holiday gifts usually aren’t the cream of the crop here, folks. It’s not like stealing a brand new Apple laptop computer worth $2,000. It’s like stealing socks, underwear, crayons, Chapstick, and Hershey’s Kisses that were for that specially knit stocking now hanging empty from the fireplace mantle.

Who wants to buy stolen underwear? 

Way to stomp that dream into the ground you thievin’ little elves. Now, I’ll actually have to go underwear shopping this year! Following delivery trucks around in an unmarked white van and ruining the gift that keeps on giving! The worst part is that none of these cheer-stomping thieves are going to get caught. 

But Santa knows who’s been naughty and nice. Don’t be surprised if a flaming brown bag shows up on your doorstep, because jolly ol’ Mr. Claus won’t think twice.  

The Shredder is ready to kick some bah-humbug butt. Send comments to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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