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Sham-watch 2020

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To be perfectly frank—to speak with extreme candor—I have a hard time following almost anything that tumbles out of Andy Caldwell's mouth. But then again, perhaps that's because his thoughts are just too high and mighty for my vulgar shredding capabilities.

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Or maybe, it's because this particular candidate for the 24th District seat in the U.S. House of Representatives is too busy "defending American liberty" to try to make any sense. Have you seen his press releases?

Yeah, they don't really include much information. Just rambling epithets about U.S. Rep. Salud Carbajal, you know, that dude Caldwell is running against.

Here are the headlines:

"Salud's Postal Protest is a Sham."

"Carbajal's verbal gymnastics lack candor."

I can just hear the whine in Caldwell's voice as I read the lines. The press releases include quotes from the man himself—that's Caldwell, aka America's Army of One, in case you were wondering. And meandering statements that don't really give readers a clue about the instances they're meant to be up in arms about!

That postal one yells about Carbajal without actually describing this supposed postal protest or where it took place, other than a brief mention of some U.S. Postal Service box on Patterson—no mention of what city or town. In the other one, Caldwell goes off the rails about the BREATHE Act without actually describing it. So, you know, the less you know, the less you need to know!

All you really need to know is this: "Carbajal, bad!"

It's "heady stuff," to use Caldwell's own descriptor from a speech he gave to what he called "the best Republican club in the whole entire region." And yes, that club is a favorite among SLO County's conservative players club. That ol' Atascadero standby, where the Republican Party of San Luis Obispo County is headquartered and spoken to by the elected elite—including SLO County Sheriff Ian "Racism Doesn't Exist Here" Parkinson and District Attorney Dan "God Before State Law" Dow—and their wannabe elected not-so-elite counterparts—America's Army of One, for starters.

Unless you're a Trump-loving cling-on touting the family, faith, and country motto, you should probably steer clear. So I haven't been invited to attend any meetings. I know, weird, right?

But Caldwell's little press releases link to his YouTube channel! So I clicked! Yeah. He got me. I regret everything.

In a meandering ramble that's above my pay grade to interpret, he said he believes that the disintegration of the nuclear family led to the disintegration of our inner cities, which gave rise to the Black Lives Matter movement and is destroying America because socialists, anarchists, and globalists have formed an unholy alliance with China and George Soros. Are you following me?

No? Yeah. I watched all 16 minutes of his speech, which included references to The Smithsonian (Bad!) and his favorite professor James Kurth (Conservative author and political scientist, good!), and I still don't get it.

"Empires come and go," he told his people. "What we are seeing right now could be nothing else than the end of the American empire."

And guess what? "It's been happening since the 1960s." Oh my god. I think I rolled my eyes into the next dimension. He's been holding on to all of this angst about our country since the Civil Rights Act of 1964 passed!

This is America! Where we discriminate against everyone who isn't like us! We can't outlaw discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, and national origin simply because people were protesting about it. Protesters ruined this country! And they have nothing to complain about! Bunch of goddamn liberal progressives whining about civil rights!

People just need to stick to faith, family, and country so the Empire can Strike Back. Obviously. Only Caldwell can wield the lightsaber with the proper authority because he truly understands what the Framers meant by, "We hold these truths to be self-evident" in the Declaration of Independence.

Although, he wasn't candid about what it actually meant. He merely repeated it several times without speaking the rest of the statement: " ... that all men are created equal ... ."

Yes. I should have known better than to travel down Caldwell's little rabbit hole of propaganda. But I feel much better with the knowledge that I gained about how well this particular candidate for office can explain his points—not very well. He keeps bitching about how Carbajal won't debate him. What a shitshow that would be, amirite? I'm totally in!

Meanwhile, I think everyone needs to understand that, like that guy who unfortunately inhabits the White House, I, too, believe that there are idiots on both sides.

A very upset SLO County resident left a message at the New Times office about mail-in ballots. This man apparently made such a stink in the local post office that he had security called on him. No, it wasn't Carbajal! He lives in Washington, D.C./Santa Barbara, silly!

This caller was very upset that he couldn't get any information from the U.S. Postal Service staffers about just where he could get a mail-in ballot. Well, let me explain. The post office is only responsible for conveying the mail-in ballot from the sender to the receiver.

In SLO County, that sender is the SLO County Clerk-Recorder's Office, aka the office responsible for local elections.

Dude. Do your research before you rant. Seriously. Δ

The Shredder is a candid idiot. Send rants to shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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