Navigating politics in San Luis Obispo County—the alleged happy place—is like being a teenager trying to figure out the high school clique you want to hang with. It's so hard to decide!

Do you want to be with the ranting, raving Tea Party peeps of North County, concerned that the liberal cabal of progressives is going to turn this county into Venezeula, complaining about the immigrants who are ruining the American dream (News flash: Americans ruined the American dream. You're welcome, next generation!), and dabbling in conspiracy theories about Harvard and the Resnicks stealing all the water out of the Paso Robles Groundwater Basin?

Do you want to pal around like a clown with the CalCoastNews cohort, spreading rumors that could maybe, possibly, be half-true; side-eyeing people from the corner because everybody's against them; and picking a new person to tell stories about over and over and over again for six months at a time? (Your time is now, Helios Dayspring! Are you really the marijuana kingpin and shady AF? I guess we'll never know, because while documents are in short supply, hearsay is ample.)

Or is it the actual Progressive Democrats you want to be like? Sitting at the top of the SLO-Town food chain, waxing poetic about how electric appliances (which, if they catch your building on fire, will warm things up real quick) are going to replace natural gas heat in all of our buildings to cut down on greenhouse gas emissions and conveniently forgetting about how it's winter and we have thousands of people walking the streets without heat or shelter because they live in one of the most expensive places in the nation.

Everyone's squared off in their corner of the county quad, talking smack behind each other's backs and spreading rumors. Every now and then, someone throws a temper tantrum to break the ice. Thank God!

Move over SLO County 3rd District Supervisor Adam "This Isn't A Tea Party Meeting" Hill and 5th District Supervisor Debbie "I Will Cut Your Mic Off" Arnold. Step back SLO Mayor Heidi "Mic Drop Because Keith Gurnee Isn't a Progressive" Harmon and Arroyo Grande Ex-Mayor Jim "I Am Honest, Just Trust Me" Hill. It's another person's turn to rotate back into temper-tantrum alley.

Recently elected Grover Beach City Councilmember Debbie "I Don't Wear a Blindfold" Peterson resigned because she just couldn't take it anymore! SLO County is just way too corrupt, she alleged.

"I cannot betray the trust of those who elected me by looking the other way to avoid rocking the boat," Peterson wrote in an email sent to media outlets. "Every council member's first duty is to the people, to take bold action when there is no other viable option."

Well, you know what they say—there's nothing bolder than quitting.

OMG Debbie, what did you just do? You're such a downer.

She's making all sorts of accusations on her way out the door. Everyone in this county is going down with her ship! SLOTown progressives and Tea Party northerners beware! South SLO County Sanitation District? Corrupt! SLO County District Attorney's Office? Not doing its job! Liberal elected officials in the county? Paid off by pot! Her Grover Beach City Council colleagues? Insider game-players!

Can we get a little bit of proof, Debbie? Call us. Show us your emails, text messages, and more. Give us something more than your comments. We want more than hearsay!

This "pay-to-play" and "double dealing" BS ain't gonna work no more with me, she said. Apparently, the best way to take "bold action" and "rock the boat" on something you believe in your heart-of-hearts is corrupt is to not fulfill your duties as an elected official and give the council members you are accusing of backroom wheeling and dealing the opportunity to appoint someone to fill the position you just bailed on.

Meanwhile Mark "Do What I Want And I'll Stop Harassing You" Hanson over in Morro Bay has decided that the best way to be the policy change that he wants to see is to write offensive emails to City Council members. Councilmember Dawn Addis, who cofounded Women's March SLO, seems to be taking the brunt of the abuse—and, no surprise here, it's sexist AF.

First he called her a C U Next Tuesday, and then he told her to grow a pair—which, is he confused? Hanson is just the next idiot in line for "Sexist of the Year" here at SLO County High. It's our annual homecoming celebration where people who threaten and attack women online get prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and eventually end up in jail because they didn't comply with court orders. Remember the last "Sexist of the Year"? He actually threatened to kill members of Women's March SLO. Now, he's in jail.

And if you look at Hanson's Facebook page, he seems to also have a really hard time dealing with Speaker of the House Nancy "Queen of the Slow Clap" Pelosi.

He must not like it when women have some power to make decisions for themselves and for others. I think he'd better get used to it. That's how we roll here at SLO County High. Δ

The Shredder is a clique at shredder@newtimesslo.com.