Opinion » Street Talk

Something from the oven


Don’t mind the white powder all over the paper this week. It’s just flour. I’ve been getting a jump on my holiday baking, which hasn’t been too successful yet because I lost all my recipes in the fire last year and I’ve had to work from my memory, which, to be quite honest, isn’t what it used to be.

Speaking of which, how long has Silas Lyons been on the air? Last I recall, he was just a wannabe-me Tribune columnist timidly swiping at the powers-that-sort-of-be, and now he’s broadcasting on KVEC 1020 amid a saxophone fanfare stolen from, don’t correct me if I’m wrong, Benny Hill. I was just on my way to Trader Joe’s to get some cinnamon and Two-Buck Chuck for my Merlot snickerdoodles when I heard the noise, followed by a halting back-and-forth between Silas and somebody filling in for somebody, I can’t quite remember who, but that’s okay, because I can’t remember what they were talking about either. I do recall that Silas called San Luis Obispo residents a bunch of weather wimps for preferring the sun to whatever else there is besides sun, but I think it was just a cry for attention. He was also talking odds on things happening around town as if he were a bookie, but don’t call the California Gambling Control Commission at (916) 263-0700 because I think he was just joking. I didn’t hear the whole broadcast, though. Even though my boss taped it for me.

My boss also tells me that Silas has been doing his twice-a-week public address for about four months, so it’s nothing particularly new, except now I can’t get his voice out of my head and it’s driving me crazier than I was to begin with, which, to be quite honest, may or may not be particularly crazy. I can’t quite remember because my memory isn’t what it … am I repeating myself? These snickerdoodles must’ve gone to my head.

Anyway, Silas, if you really want to be me, stay off the air and gain about 40 pounds. Oh, and take down those pictures of yourself all over town. I know you say you’re watching out for us, but do you have to do it from every street corner? You’re scaring the tourists.

Former mayor Ken Schwartz may have scared off some tourists, too, and seems to have made almost more enemies than I could in a month with his parting comments about San Luis Obispo being a “grubby little community� until he got his grubby little hands on it. I helped build Mission Plaza, he said, and I hugged trees and massaged utility cables underground and took ugly billboards to the barber for a shave and a haircut and voila! All you people who lived in squalor up until then can thank your lucky stars I came to town.

Ken took a Shredder-sized piece of flak for his claims, doled out mainly by Tribune readers with Silas’ laugh still ringing in their ears from the last transmission. I say most of the criticism was totally unfounded, though, particularly because SLO still is a grubby little town. Our city’s biggest claim to fame is arguably a urinal that dumps water down at you at the Madonna Inn, and I can’t count how many alleys downtown are used as urinals in the wee hours of the night, not including the one reserved entirely for chewed bubblegum, which reminds me, I need to pick up a pack of Trident for my wintergreen oatmeal squares.

By the way, Ken, about those billboards you got regulated? Have you driven in or out of SLO lately? Between the Diamond Adult World ad, the nearby Indian casino teasers, and the bail bonds offers, our grubby little city is starting to look a touch sleazy, but hey, sleazy isn’t grubby and I’m not complaining, at least about the billboards, which have helped to get me out of more than one jam. Maybe Silas, too, if he was serious about taking bets on the side.

In other city-leadership-saying-goodbye news, which I say we could use a lot more of, Morro Bay bid farewell to Mayor Bill Yates and said hello to Janice Peters, who stepped into his seat and sent the Duke Energy people into a nail-biting string of sleepless nights by opening up a potentially decisive seat on the council. “Fill the hole with Stan House,� Yates said, since House was the third-highest vote getter in the election. Instead, the council appointed Thad Baxley, who, despite having a fun name to say out loud and a hazy position on the Duke debacle, wasn’t even on the ballot.

Mayor Peters said she agreed with former Mayor Yates, which prompted some people at the meeting to point out that she herself was appointed over a third-highest vote getter when she first joined the council, but it doesn’t matter because the council has spoken, and what are the odds that they’re going to change their minds? Silas?

Add a comment