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Take the New Times' quiz on the comedy and tragedy of 2011

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And you thought we were going to let you off easy.

You got a year’s worth of free news—sat back idly and watched as New Times gave frontline reporting on government waste, problems at Cal Poly, the police officer Paso Robles didn’t want you to know about, a firefighter accused of pummeling a Los Osos craftsman, and enough stories to fill 52 weeks in 2011—and now it’s time to show us what you’ve remembered.

Rather than do the same old thing for 2011, like recap all the hot news items, we’ve decided this time to quiz our reading public on all the things that happened in San Luis Obispo County over the last 365 days.

So put down the turkey leg and take your best shot at the following questions—and remember, penmanship counts toward your final grade.

BFFS :  Supervisor Adam Hill spent his year feuding with COLAB. - PHOTOS BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • PHOTOS BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • BFFS : Supervisor Adam Hill spent his year feuding with COLAB.

1. Why did the SLOPD finally arrest firefighter John Ryan Mason?

 

            A: Because he slapped the face off another man’s face.

            B: Because of a marital spat.

            C: Because New Times asked why they hadn’t arrested him (probably).

            D: Because their car ran out of gas. They had a flat tire. They didn’t have enough money for cab fare. Their tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole their car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN’T THEIR FAULT, WE SWEAR TO GOD!

 

2. Which animal did the Morro Bay City Council refuse to recognize?

            A: Sea gulls.

            B: Sea urchins.

            C: Sea slugs.

            D: Sea otters.

 

3. Who resigned from the Paso Robles Police Department amid criminal allegations?

            A: Lisa Solomon.

            B: Jim App.

            C: Jeffry Bromby.

            D: Rodi Bragg.

 

4. Why did SLO County pick a new EIR consultant on the Las Pilitas Quarry project?

            A: The first consultant was tied too closely with the mining industry.

            B: The first consultant was too expensive.

            C: The first consultant backed out.

            D: The first consultant was buried alive.

 

5. What was former city councilman Ed Arnold convicted of doing?

            A: Having poor fashion sense.

            B: Speeding.

            C: Burglary and possessing child pornography.

            D: Violating the Brown Act.

 

6. How many motions did SLO County Supervisor Paul Teixeira make from January through November?

            A: Zero.

            B: Two.

            C: Nine.

            D: Eleven.

ASSHOLE’S NEIGHBOR :  Proving the adage about fences, neighbors in Cayucos fought during 2011. - PHOTOS BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • PHOTOS BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • ASSHOLE’S NEIGHBOR : Proving the adage about fences, neighbors in Cayucos fought during 2011.
 

7. What did the Grand Jury conclude about John Wallace’s position with the South San Luis Obispo County Sanitation District?

            A: It’s awesome.

            B: His salary is too high.

            C: It’s all an illusion.

            D: He has a conflict of interest.

 

8. What practice was repealed in SLO City labor negotiations?

            A: All pay raises.

            B: Binding arbitration.

            C: Common sense.

            D: Politeness.

 

9. The Sheriff’s Department spent $3,866 for a new hardtop and $2,417 for emergency vehicle lighting for its confiscated 1994 Dodge Viper supercar …

            A: …to deter the kids from using drugs.

            B: …to show the kids that drug dealing does indeed pay.

            C: …because Mrs. Parkinson thinks Sheriff Ian looks sexy in it.

            D: …because the Freudian overtones make it really hard to let go of.

 

10. What does SLO city plan to beautify for $761,500?

             A: Puck.

            B: Anyone who doesn’t look happy.

            C: Two blocks of downtown.

            D: Anyone who looks homeless.

 

11. How much were the combined raises for Community Health Centers of the Central Coast’s top four administrators?

            A: $30,981.

            B: $90,429.

            C: $156,244.

            D: One billion dollars!

 

12. Cal Poly administrators initially said it cost $146,000 to renovate new President Jeffrey Armstrong’s house. What did it actually cost?

            A: Nothing.

            B: $225,000.

            C: $337,000.

            D: It actually made the university money.

            E: Enough to completely fund the higher education of at least five Californians.

 

13. Which was not among the renovations demanded by the Armstrongs for their Cal Poly amenities?

            A: Removal of copper countertops in the president’s Spanos Stadium suite.

            B: Installation of a motorized velour acoustic curtain at the president’s box at the Performing Arts Center.

            C: $15,000 of lighting fixtures for his house.

            D: Installation of a trap door in front of the President’s Administration Building desk.

 

14. Why didn't Cal Poly administrators tell incoming volleyball players that their coach, Jon Stevenson, had been warned to stop harassing his players?

            A: They were concerned about violating Stevenson’s privacy.

            B: It must have slipped their minds.

            C: They were worried about hurting team spirit.

            D: Why beat a dead Mustang into the ground?

 

15. What was found inside the SS Montebello?

            A: Santa Maria crude.

            B: Japanese artillery shells.

            C: Nothing.

            D: Kate Winslet’s necklace from Titanic.

NICE DIGS! :  Cal Poly renovated the Presidents house to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. - PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • NICE DIGS! : Cal Poly renovated the Presidents house to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars.
 


16. Who did Gov. Jerry Brown appoint to the über-powerful California Coastal Commission?

            A: Bruce Gibson.

            B: Brian Brennan.

            C: Mary Ann Reiss.

            D: Bill Yates.

 

17. What did SLO County Supervisor Adam Hill say about COLAB?

            A: They’re racist.

            B: They’re impolite.

            C: They’re to be applauded.

            D: They’re fantastic dancers.

 

18. What sunken object was found at the bottom of local waters, prompting a historic international study?

            A: A trove of Spanish gold.

            B: A shipping container.

            C: The Montebello.

            D: The Wallace Group Guide to Business Ethics.

 

19. How did the SLO Narcotics Task Force bust the Doobie Dozen?

            A: Through meticulous police work and a thorough understanding of state law.

            B: Tailing them to meetings with the Sinaloa Cartel.

            C: Proving, through forensic auditing, that they were making lots of money.

            D: Tricking them into providing medical marijuana to card-holding undercover officers.

 

20. After years of planning and construction, the Nacimiento Water Project is now …

            A: Providing thousands of gallons of water to happy customers in the North County.

            B: Threatening to bankrupt Paso Robles.

            C: Cranking up water bills to unprecedented levels in the city of San Luis Obispo.

            D: All of the above.

 

21. What led PG&E to hold off on finalizing its Diablo Canyon relicensing?

            A: The combined seismic threat from four nearby fault lines presented a question of safety.

            B: The plant’s infrastructure and its components are aging.

            C: The company was too busy settling with San Bruno victims and their families.

            D: Americans got worried about the dangers of atomic energy after some nuclear plant in Japan blew up.

 

22. How long did it take a jury to acquit two defendants in the county’s first medical marijuana trial?

            A: Three weeks.

            B: Three days.

            C: Three hours.

            D: What happened? Where?

 

23. What finally led to the demise of the SLO Narcotics Task Force?

            A: Lawsuits.

            B: Citizen outrage over SWAT tactics used on nonviolent suspects.

            C: County and District Attorney’s Office officials felt they weren’t making enough money off NTF investigations.

            D: The state could no longer afford to fund it.

 

24. Which was recently outlawed by the Morro Bay City Council?

            A: Medical marijuana dispensaries.

            B: Pelican poo.

            C: A-frame signs.

            D: Mayoral Hawaiian shirts.

 

25. Where is David Weyrich’s new office?

            A: 10333 El Camino Real.

            B: In the Carlton’s gift shop.

            C: Wherever he tells Atascadero city officials he wants it to be.

            D: Within the city’s Office of Economic Development.

GOLF COURES TO COME :  Developers want to fill the hills of Price Canyon with 700 homes. - PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • GOLF COURES TO COME : Developers want to fill the hills of Price Canyon with 700 homes.
 

26 How is Cambria’s Community Services District hoping to secure funding for a desalination plant?

            A: Asking the United Lot Owners of Cambria to cough up some green.

            B: Petitioning the Army Corps of Engineers to invade Dubai.

            C: Setting up a lemonade stand in front of Rabobank.

            D: Through an $80,000-per-year lobbyist, of course.

 

27. Why did Lucia Mar School District allow religious pamphlets to go out in students’ homework packets?

            A: No one had hipped them to the whole “separation of church and state” thing.

            B: The 700 Club supports the Theory of Evolution now, doesn’t it?

            C: The American Fascist Movement’s flyer got held up at the printers.

            D: It didn’t want to get sued by the powerful Child Evangelism Fellowship.

 

 

28. What was going on in Price Canyon?

            A: Alien invasion.

            B: Oil strike! Head for them fracking hills!

            C: Charles Manson family reunion.

            D: Plans for a 700-unit home development and golf course.

 

29. Community service districts …

            A: Often seem to lose track of money.

            B: Can be crazy in all sorts of ways.

            C: Provide services for much of the county.

            D: All of the above.

 

30. Which local health guru died at the age of 96?

            A: Jack Lalanne.

            B: Uncle Jack.

            C: That infomercial guy.

            D: Richard Simmons.

 

31. Whose birth was celebrated by a bunch of soaked, shivering, and drunken New Times staffers?

            A: Little Debbie.

            B: Barack Obama.

            C: Bill Murray.

            D: Linden LaRouche.

 

32. What the hell is the IWMA?

            A: Interior Wal Mart Authority.

            B: Irritating Western Men Association.

            C: Integrated Waste Management Authority.

            D: Iota Wa Mu Alpha.

 

33. Why did the SLO City Council want to charge for parking on Sundays?

            A: To keep out annoying weekend shoppers.

            B: They forgot to do it in the first place.

            C: To encourage people to park farther away and get some exercise.

            D: To help raise money for a parking structure to replace all the public parking given to developers.


PETULANT PAUL :  Supervisor Paul Teixeira made few motions in 2011, but made headlines for his feud with an advisory council. - PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • PHOTO BY STEVE E. MILLER
  • PETULANT PAUL : Supervisor Paul Teixeira made few motions in 2011, but made headlines for his feud with an advisory council.

 

34. Why are fees going up in SLO?

            A: To pay for downtown improvements.

            B: To compensate for the shrinking list of city projects.

            C: To pay for growing employee pension costs.

            D: All of the above.

 

35. What’s the oldest gang in Paso Robles?

            A: The Zinfandel crew.

            B: PR 13.

            C: The Wolf Pack.

            D: The Norteños.

 

36. What Cal Poly major concentration was put on the chopping block?

            A: Journalism.

            B: Engineering.

            C: Liberal Arts.

            D: International Business.

 

37. What did Dr. Marshall Lewis do after some Cayucos residents opposed his building application?

            A: He slinked away with his tail between his legs.

            B: He circulated a petition.

            C: He put a sign above his door that said, “Asshole’s neighbor.”

            D: He gave up.

 

 

38.  How much weight did News Editor Colin Rigley lose after his lemon cleanse diet?

            A: Two pounds.

            B: Three pounds.

            C: Four pounds.

                  D: However much self-respect weighs.

 

39. What were Public Works officials most worried about in Oceano?

            A: Financial malfeasance.

            B: Fire.

            C: A pox.

            D: Flooding.

 

40. Why were some Templeton residents outwardly pissed at the Board of Supervisors toward the end of the year?

            A: Redistricting.

            B: Potholes.

            C: A lack of representation.

               D: Supervisor Jim Patterson was cracking wise about their mommas.

 

Send comments to managing editor Ashley Schwellenbach at aschwellenbach@newtimesslo.com.

 

Answer key: 1:C; 2:D; 3:C; 4:A; 5:C; 6:D; 7:D; 8:B; 9:A; 10:C ; 11:C; 12:C&E; 13:D; 14:A; 15:C; 16:B; 17:A; 18:B; 19:D; 20:D; 21:D; 22:C; 23:D; 24:C, (though we suggest D); 25:B; 26:D; 27:D; 28:D; 29:D; 30:A ; 31:C; 32:C; 33:D; 34:D; 35:B; 36:D; 37:C; 38:B (D is also acceptable) ; 39:D; 40:A.

 

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