Opinion » Shredder

The many candidates, so beautiful!

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Hey, you! Yeah, you! It’s obvious you’re on your way to a wedding—either that or you really overdressed for work, amirite?—but we’ve got some chewing of the fat to accomplish before I’ll let you on your way. 

America’s nicest congressperson is finally retiring, and I think we can all agree that the most appropriate response to the news of Lois Capps’ retirement is to speculate wildly about who will be replacing her. And to bake her a golf-themed retirement cake, since I’m pretty sure wealthy white people are legally required to participate in the world’s laziest sport rather than make valuable use of their recreation time.

Since I’ve already been hit with charges of lewd conduct perpetrated on fondant, I figured I’d better stick to wild speculation, as any self-respecting political columnist would. Here are my proposals for the 24th District congressperson:

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Supervisors Lynn Compton and Debbie Arnold run jointly as conjoined right-wing twins, better enabling them to destroy the government from within. 

SLO Mayor Jan Marx runs on a platform of banning everything, because there may be people in Santa Barbara and Ventura counties who are still allowed to smell and climb on top of their roofs. The horror. 

SLO City Councilman Dan Carpenter runs for Congress in order to get away from John Ashbaugh and Co. 

Supervisor Frank Mecham runs for the sole purpose of no longer being caught in the middle of a manufactured tug of war between Adam Hill and Bruce Gibson on the left and Arnold and Compton on the right. His campaign slogan is, “I’m not a squeaky toy, dammit!”

Downtown Brown realizes he has enough experience kissing babies to make his political dreams a reality. 

Conservatives who still light candles to the memory of so-so President Ronald Reagan finally develop the technology to reanimate his corpse and nominate it for office. Corpse Reagan might actually have better political sense than alive Reagan. 

In a move that clearly overshadows the significance of the election of the country’s first black president, Lockheed Martin will announce its candidacy as the first corporation to run for public office. “We’ve been buying politicians for so many years we finally realized it would be more honest, and simpler, to just run for office as a corporation,” a spokesperson will say. 

Keyboard Cat. He’d be wildly popular on the Internet (again), and he hasn’t had a job in a while. Maybe he can get an endorsement from Grumpy Cat

I’d say COLAB’s Mike Brown, but I don’t want to give him any ideas. But if you’re looking for a candidate who’s willing to invoke Nazis in an argument that has nothing whatsoever to do with World War II, Brown has proven that he’s your man. 

Arroyo Grande Mayor Jim Hill has proven he’s good at sliding into office without a proven track record, so he might as well make a race of it. 

Now that former supervisor Caren Ray is out of office, it’s important that online commenters have a fresh excuse to inexplicably and inexcusably call her a whore, so she might as well jump right in. 

Heidi Harmon could run on a well thought out and rational campaign, which we all know has zero odds of success in today’s political climate. Principle will get you nowhere, but the backing of a major financial institution is a very different story.

Super PACs will put up an ATM with a pin code that only the 1 percent can access. 

For my final nomination, I would like to recommend the attendees of St. Fratty’s Day, whose passion drove them to get up at the crack of dawn and tear down the structures assembled by the establishment in order to build anew. Anyone who thought that whole fiasco was actually about binge drinking and the local university’s inadequate control over the fraternities and sororities probably thought The Rime of the Ancient Mariner was actually about a bird. 

Obviously, I think any and all of you—whether you have any political experience or just happen to be really good at voicing your opinions loudly; whether your greatest achievement in life has been destruction of personal property or helping to turn local public discourse into a free-for-all in which facts and human decency is trampled upon; whether you’re a corporation or a cat or just some dude in a bear costume—would make fantastic candidates that I would get a lot of really rich material from. And if any of you happen to be inspired by my encouraging words, just know that I would happily exchange my job mocking you for the role of campaign manager extolling your virtues to the world—provided the pay is lucrative and I get the opportunity to throw my weight around when and if you’re elected.


Shredder bids you goodnight and good luck. Send alternative suggestions to shredder@newtimesslo.com. 

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