Opinion » Street Talk

The naked truth


It's official. Public nudity is only bad at Mardi Gras. And, technically, a couple days before and after Mardi Gras, but who's counting? I mean besides Police Chief Deb Linden? Not me, that's for sure. Now pardon me while I go frolic in a field of wildflowers without my shirt and pants.

On second thought, there are a few places on my body I don't particularly want to expose to potential bee stings, so pardon me while I sit quietly on this bench without my shirt and pants.

On third thought, who knows who or what has been on this bench before me? I don't want to plunk my bare butt into gum or melted ice cream or snot or any of the other dried fluids that so often dot public seats.

How about this: I'll keep my clothes on, but I'll leave my shirt unbuttoned and my fly down.

I'm celebrating because on Aug. 16, San Luis Obispo City Councilmembers Paul Brown, Christine Mulholland, and some other guy - apparently there's a councilman named John Ewan - bared their teeth and bared their souls in the fight for locals' rights to bare their breasts, buttocks, and what-have-you throughout the year.

Anti-nudity fever hit its high point in SLO after Mardi Gras in 2004, when exposed nipples caused riots that directly led to a couple hundred arrests. Alcohol also apparently played a factor in the violence, but nobody called for local prohibition so nudity took all the blame.

When the boob-induced war zone that was SLO finally settled down, city leaders got together and put the kibosh on flashing and anything like it. Period. Except not everyone thought that a blanket anti-nudity rule was completely called for, which brings us to the present day, or at least a week or two ago, depending on when you read this.

I'm just happy because the new ruling means I don't have to carry around a fake baby and pretend I'm breastfeeding anymore if I want to walk around shirtless at the Mission.

Councilman Ewan said that a year-round anti-nudity ordinance is really unnecessary and that if you're a man and you support the measure, you obviously have a small penis.

No, he didn't. He actually said that to adopt an anti-nudity ordinance would be puritanical, and the last thing we want is to be anything like those lousy Puritans. Remember their funny hats? Or was that the pilgrims? I always mix those up.

Either way, I'm just happy because the new ruling means I don't have to carry around a fake baby and pretend I'm breastfeeding anymore if I want to walk around shirtless at the Mission.


The ties that bind

To the jerk whose dog I saw jump out of the back of his truck on 101 near Arroyo Grande the other day: You're a jerk. Sorry I couldn't come up with a better descriptor. Actually, I probably could, but I'm still so angry I can't quite think straight. If you had tied your dog up in the back of your truck and it still managed to weasel out, I'm sorry. But if your dog was roaming free in the cab and was completely unhindered when it took a flying leap and hit the road at about 70 mph, well, you're a jerk. I can't write about this anymore.


They control the horizontal

Surprise, surprise. There's more political grumbling in Los Osos, which, when this whole sewer mess is over, will probably be the most boring place on the Central Coast.

Come to think of it, what else goes on in Los Osos? Do people vacation there? Is it a tourist destination? I've never really thought about it. There has to be something else going on there, because a city can't survive on controversy alone. I better look into this.

Anyway, this time around, Kristen Mulgrew, who manages public access traffic, recently pointed out to me that Channel 20 used to show public meetings and Community Service District meetings throughout the day, but now airs them only between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m., that wasteland of airwaves reserved for trash like pointless infomercials, phone-sex ads, and Letterman and Leno.

I'm sorry to say that I've never actually tuned into Channel 20 myself because I'm usually too busy jotting down 976 numbers. But if what she says is true, I'm more than a little suspicious, mainly because Mulgrew said that the Channel 20 facility in Los Osos resides in the CSD headquarters.

I'm not saying that anything shady's going on, but when you consider... hey! My fly's still down! Why didn't anybody tell me? I can't believe you let me go all this time with my fly down. How embarrassing.

CSD board member Lisa Schicker claims that CSD PIO Michael Drake hijacked Channel 20 with his daily doses of "pro-sewer" spieling, so she's up in arms, particularly because the recall election is only about a month away. At this point, it seems to me that just about everybody's made up his or her mind in the whole sewer and recall issue and is going to vote one way or another. Honestly, are there any folks still on the fence out there? If so, hurry up and choose a side.

I also got a tip that a political commercial recently replaced primetime government programming on the very same Channel 20 at the rumored behest of Save the Dream Coalition chief Pandora Nash-Karner. My source threatened contacting the FPPC, FCC, and DA, which is entirely too many acronyms for my liking, especially when you consider that the whole snafu involves the CSD, its PIO, and a PO'd public that wants answers ASAP. Personally, I think they're all SOL, but what do I know? I can't even dress myself properly.

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