Getting old, unless you’re 20, sucks. Your body starts to make bruises in funny places, like the edge of your scalp or your armpit. I should eat more iron.

You find yourself nursing yoga injuries and asking younger members of your family to open jars for you. Really, after 20, it’s just a slow, downward slide to the senior discount at Denny’s.

This means birthdays become less celebratory and more of a reminder that osteoporosis and a monthly trip to the pharmacy for Poli Grip are right around the corner.

You start lying about your age and telling your spouse to just “Do something low-key” for your birthday.

Well, I’m here to tell you: Screw that. Why? Because you can still enjoy food on your birthday. And, if you play your cards right, you might be able to eat for free on the anniversary of your arrival on this planet.

There are many restaurants that offer discounts or freebies to people lucky enough to do what all 7 billion of us do at some point or another: get born.

Locally, there are several restaurants that offer birthday treats to patrons smart enough to ask for them.

There is a website called freebie-depot.com that outlines the many chain restaurants that do such b-day freebies.

Baja Fresh offers a free birthday burrito for those who sign up with Club Baja (requires your zip code, name, nearest Baja Fresh location, date of birth, and e-mail address).

Denny’s offers a free Grand Slam on your birthday. According to their website, restrictions apply (they don’t elaborate) so be sure to call your local Denny’s branch before sauntering in and demanding free pancakes—it’s just your birthday; don’t get cocky.

Print out the Jack in the Box coupon available on freebie-depot.com and present it with your I.D. for a free dessert option (be sure, again, to call ahead and make sure your location offers this deal).

Panera Bread offers a rewards program called MyPanera. You have to get a member card from an associate at any Panera Bread location, and once you grab it you have to register it online or in the bakery-café. In doing so you can get yourself a free birthday pastry.

There are plenty more birthday freebies available if you do your research properly. Don’t forget to call ahead and make sure you have the right location for the coupon or e-mail deal. Also, don’t forget that calories don’t count on your birthday after the age of 12, so rip through as many of these as your tiny stomach allows. And, last but not least: Happy birthday! 

Calendar Editor Maeva Considine is a Taurus and plans on eating all the free food this month. Send your food-related news to mconsidine@newtimesslo.com.