Are you here already? Fine. Uno momento por favor while I slide this Coco Rosie back into my Freitag attache. Oh, you like that? Yeah, it's the new iPod Zero. It fits snugly on the head of a pin, plays a chord, and retails for roughly the gross domestic product of the country it was made in. Don't feel too bad if you don't have one yet even the wheel took a few centuries getting out of Sumar.
Man, this of all weeks I just feel so damn cool to live in San Luis Obispo. Why this week? I hear that this is the week Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan is supposed to come to town to shoot her newest film.
Lindsay Lohan. Oh my God, Lindsay Lohan.
This time, the Hollywood media machine indicates, she plays an inquisitive California JUCO student taking time between lectures to solve a murderous caper. Clearly unraveling this duplicitous web of corruption is a task only suited for a post-teen with a D-cup and a partial community college education. Anyone else smell an Oscar?
I was worried that this inoculation of coolness might not transpire, however, after recently seeing rumor hounds salivating over tabloid headlines and reports that Lohan determined she was too cool for some of her schedule. Apparently if you can believe celeb gossip rags, and believe me, I can the former Disney star decided a few months back that she was too cool for her liver, then figured she was way too cool for drinking before ultimately coming to the conclusion that she was way, way too cool for rehab. Fortunately, city liaison Christine Wallace assured me that, in a matter of days, Lohan would be here pouring handles of thrice-distilled Hollywood chic all around our sleepy little town.
If that doesn't make you feel any more hip, perhaps this will: After much hewing and hawing by capitalist prelate Tom Copeland, the Apple Store is coming to San Luis. This Fonzified development, too, almost jumped the shark.
As I understand it, the squares over at the Architectural Review Commission gagged on a major component of the retailer's monochromatic and minimalist design: frosted storefront windows. The ensuing denial apparently prompted Apple to take a cue from its product, and the project looked like it would terminate. Get it? I'll have to remember that one. Hold on while I write it down okay. Got it. I just have to remember to back up this file. Does anyone have one of those new-fangled jump drives or whatever you call them?
The Copeland folks decided to adjust the system properties and appealed the matter to the city council. There, councilmen Paul Brown, Allen Settle, and Dave "the Pave" Romero agreed that Apple was too cool to create something as uncool as a "dead zone." Wasn't that a movie with the too-cool Christopher Walken? What a dancer!
I couldn't help but notice the Apple Store already posted classified ads on Craigslist for retail positions, including one for a "creative product educator." Just imagine now you don't even have to come into the office to be passive-aggressively labeled a tech-tard by one of the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons in lecture hall. Ugh, I lost six charisma points. Parry, parry! Shield of frost!
Some downtown businessmen furrowed their brows at what looked like Copeland's ability to waggle around design criteria, the same way I hear his family's recently bankrupted sporting goods empire managed to waggle out of some of its financial obligations. That's how it goes, though. It's amazing what a bankruptcy can do. Slow-growth city rep Christine Mulholland seemed annoyed that the city basically left a waggling tutorial on file by approving the application. Tommy boy should give waggling classes. Maybe at the Apple Store?
With all these happening types coming to the area, San Luis Obispo sure is getting cool fast. I'd say it's about time to change the county seal to something a little more down like Miles Davis playing his horn on the hood of an H2 while a Playboy bunny changes the tire. Forget that lame agricultural scene. Chumash in profile? What does alcaldes mean anyway?
Folks over at the Los Osos CSD feel their seldom-used public access channel might be at least a little too cool for Cinthea Coleman's documentary on the Los Osos 45, titled Lunch with the Molokai Sisters. Granted it's not an A&E production, but, considering the station hasn't shown much of anything since its nonstop feed of anti-recall propaganda halted in late 2005, the show might help the CSD shake the rust off its tower.
Speaking of public access, the City of Atascadero, which long considered itself too cool to allow AGP Video to broadcast its always-entertaining city council meetings, may soon reverse that decision. Thanks to North County rabble-rousers like Eric Greening and David Broadwater, the colony's little public theater should soon be vying with Los Osos for ratings superiority and just in time. After weeks of boring power transition, the Wal-Mart controversy returned to A-Town on Jan. 23 when city staff began exploring new ways to keep out the megastore once and for all. Zounds! Yet, the plot hit a snag.
Last year, then-councilman, now-mayor George Luna stated again and again that his town was too cool for a Wal-Mart superstore. Now, Luna says Atascadero is also too cool for a big-box-banning ordinance. Some anti-Marters feel that's not cool, but still cooler than former mayor Tom O'Malley, whose pre-election antics, I'm sure, seemed to the Rottman Group cooler than Cooler Ranch Doritos.
What was I talking about? Whatever, I'm about three parsecs too cool to finish this column, if a parsec means what I think it means. Better ask the guys at the Apple Store.