Well, the year 2049 is nearly over. A lot happened: The last of the polar icecaps melted; the Interstellar United Nations finally signed a Peace Treaty with that huge swarm of sentient amazon.com drones we've been at war with; and our beloved Space Emperor Zorg—long may he reign—completed the construction of his massive intergalactic dreadnaught, the USS Sun Crusher.
- File Photo
But before we can ring in 2050 with the customary champagne toasts and laser scythe death battles in the municipal Thunderdome, we must first turn our attention to Christmas, and more specifically, what sort of gifts to buy our friends and family.
I know money is tight. The economy just hasn't been the same since our planet was forced to change its currency from dollars to "Imperial Funbucks," but fear not, holiday shoppers, this handy guide will help you pick out the best gifts at the lowest prices and turn your futuristic dystopia into a futuristic dyst-ho-ho-ho-pia!
Merry Christmas and long live Galactic Emperor Zorg!
Arm-mounted particle cannon
For that cyborg in your life who seems to have everything. Last year, the hot trend among our cybernetically enhanced brethren was replacing their hands with large buzzsaws. This year, however, arm-mounted beam weapons are all the rage. This gift shows that you're hip to the latest fashions and care about personal safety. The cannon is great for disintegrating those pesky mutant armies that occasionally rise up from the sewers to attack us surface dwellers.
Available at Cyborgs-R-Us and Sharper Image.
Sometimes you just have to go with the classics. This popular foodstuff has been a beloved nutritional staple since Emperor Zorg signed the FDA's "Yeah, We Know It's Made From People But We Just Don't Care Act" into law back in 2027. Popular holiday flavors include Pumpkin Spice, Eggnog, and Salvation Army Santa. To give your gift of Soylent a further festive twist, consider using a cookie cutter to shape them into little gingerbread men and packaging them in a holiday-themed tin!
Available at grocery stores everywhere.
Jagged metal spikes
Not everyone is content to cower within the domed megacities we call home. For the hardened cutthroat who spends their time roving the radioactive wastelands with their fellow raiders, you just can't go wrong with a stocking full of jagged metal spikes. Whether they end up on the hood of a supercharged wasteland assault buggy or on those big leather shoulder pads raiders seem to love so much, jagged spikes are a versatile gift that's guaranteed to bring a smile to their face and strike fear into the hearts of rival wasteland hordes.
Available at Home Depot or a pile of smoldering wreckage near you.
A Death Star
Now I know what you're thinking: Can I really afford a Death Star in this economy? Well, the answer is an emphatic Y-E-S! The collapse of the Death Star construction bubble last year left the market flooded with giant planet-destroying space stations and now sellers are looking to offload them at bargain basement prices! If a new Death Star is still out of your price range, don't despair. There are plenty of gently used, pre-owned ones available through private sellers on Craigslist or semi-reputable dealers willing to offer generous financing packages.
Sure, a Death Star is still a significant purchase, but just imagine the look on your spouse's face when you point to the gigantic gray orb with a big red bow hanging in the sky and say, "Merry Christmas, honey!"
Available at Crazy Vader's Used Death Star Emporium.
Starbucks gift cards
This gift might seem like an uncreative cop out, but hear me out. Sometimes you just don't know what to get someone for Christmas. Take Martians for example. They only started colonizing our planet a few years ago, and their language is an untranslatable series of wet throat noises and screeches. Why are they here? What do they want? What sort of gifts do they like? Do they have a religion or even celebrate Christmas? No one really knows.
Still, they are here to stay and there's no reason not to try and bridge the cultural divide by buying your neighborhood Martian family a gift. A Starbucks' gift certificate and a nice nondenominational card is a safe way to wish happy holidays to your alien friends and avoid any awkward miscommunications that might get you abducted by a UFO or vaporized by one of their de-atomizers.
Available at Starbucks. Δ
Staff Writer Chris McGuinness was abducted by Emperor Zorg but still wants his very own Death Star at firstname.lastname@example.org.