To hear online resources such as californiabeaches.com or californiathroughmylens.com tell it, Pirate's Cove is an absolute jewel, "a well-known clothing optional beach," "incredibly beautiful," with a cave that's "impressive." Jeez, that sounds swell; however, they left out the used condoms littering the area, the graffiti, the broken beer bottles, the piles of human excrement, and the trash everywhere.
Yes, as of late, Pirate's Cove has gone straight to hell in a hand basket. And you know whose fault it is? Well, first I'll tell whose fault it's not. It's not the fault of the California Coastal Commission, even though they put the kybosh on SLO County's plan to pave the parking lot, install restrooms and trashcans, and limit hours of access. The commission was just trying to protect public access and the area's rural character. It's also not the county Board of Supervisors' fault, even though they've recently failed to set aside any funding for improvement and maintenance of the site (They are, by the way, requesting a plan to clean up Cave Landing, the bluff above Pirate's Cove). The board has at least tried to take action to improve the area. No, those responsible for the sorry state of Pirate's Cove are its users and the members of the public who vocally, bitterly demand the site be left as is. You guys are idiots.
You want to hang out on a gorgeous, secluded stretch of beach and let your naughty bits fly, more power to you. You want to drink some frosty brews on a bluff overlooking the blue Pacific, go for it! Hell, you want to get a quick hummer in a cave from someone special you just met, I don't care. But pick up after yourselves, assholes! Don't leave your trash everywhere. Don't flick your condoms on the ground. And if you see some little shitheel wielding a can of spray paint, tell him if you catch him tagging the rocks or the cave you're going to take that paint and use it on him. And if you have to defecate, move off the trail, dig a freaking hole, and bury that shit! Good grief!
If you want the freedom to party, gaze wondrously at middle-aged danglers, and act like "free spirits," have enough character to treat this area you claim to love so much with some goddamn respect! You want to be left alone up there? Great! Make it so when a sheriff's deputy cruises by or a family takes a wrong turn on their way to Avila Beach, they're not aghast and disgusted by the mess you've created. It's the Wild West up there, and that means conscientious users need to be the Vigilante Committee, ready to keep the reckless cowboys in line. If you can't do that, don't be surprised when the Coastal Commission and the Board of Supes get fed up and take action. The ball's in your court, Pirate's Cove users. You can clean up your precious spot or be swept out with all the trash you left.
And on a quick side note, Laguna Lake Park seems to be the newest condom dumping ground. I'm guessing low-level prostitution is going on over there again. Maybe the SLOPD needs to restart their sting operations, or better yet, get a room, you cheapskate dirtbags!
And speaking of spankings in cheap motel rooms, Arroyo Grande City Council is trying to give the beat down to Mayor Jim Hill. His supporters argue he's bravely going after malfeasance in the city and South SLO County Sanitation District, upon whose board he serves. His opponents argue he recklessly oversteps his authority. A 102-page investigation of the mayor concluded both sides are partially correct, and now the council is asking Hill to step down from the Sanitation District board. Stop being a cowboy and follow the rules, Hill!
On a more positive note, here's a quick shout out to the SLO County Sheriff for finally hiring a full-time medical examiner. Yes, I'm going to miss Dr. Gary "Hiccup" Walter, the previously contracted examiner. His absurd conclusions, precarious medical licensing, and his drunk driving arrest have been very good for this column, but I look forward to Dr. Joye Carter, a triple board certified physician with more than 30 years of experience, taking the reins. Let's hope she's independent enough to hold the Sheriff's Office accountable if it's complicit in the death of another inmate. I'm watching you, Joye!
And finally, mea culpa time. Last week I admonished Cal Poly President Jeffrey Armstrong for not condemning Trump's DACA maneuvering, but it turns out that Armstrong did put out an email statement to the "campus community," just not publicly to the press or on the university website where I would have seen it. I'm sorry, Jeff old pal. I totally should have known you'd be on the right side of history, and your Media Relations Director Matt Lazier, who ripped me a new one, was absolutely right. I should have emailed him and asked if you had issued a statement somewhere instead of assuming that if you had you would have made it public. I was a fool to think the university's media relations director would make public your DACA statement. My bad. Δ
The Shredder wants Pirate's Cove users to go through the spanking machine. Send ideas and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.